(written 19 April 2019)
Harakiri of the soul,
Connecting dots of traumas
In ways that
only you could understand.
Zig-zag lines rend my core,
My emotions tumble.
I howl at the Moon.
...Once, you said you loved me...
| i too remember Play-Doh but due to familial budgetary constraints when younger, was asked to make do(h) with salt dough - sough eye did...|
as for your submission mate, it's clearly a cathartic piece and the class/type, poetry/broken heart is a giveaway (i for one would remove this option as in my opinion, it rather lessens the need to interpret).
i like the imagery which as it should be, bearing in mind the Japanese element, is both measured and cruel.
however, i do think that the physical shape of the narrative could be changed in order to better enforce such strong emotional intent so:
(title) Once, you said you loved me...
Harakiri of the soul my friend,
Connecting dots of traumas,
In ways that only you could understand.
(Carve) zig-zag lines across my soul.
my emotions tumble disemboweled
and i howl at the Moon.
hope this helps in some way and good luck with all of the rest of it...
|| Posted on 2019-04-27 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ] |