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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hara kiridots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rememberplaydoh
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 78/102/60
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 98
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 349



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHara kiridots
    -------------------------------------------


    (written 19 April 2019)

    Harakiri of the soul,
    My friend,
    Connecting dots of traumas
    In ways that
    only you could understand.

    Zig-zag lines rend my core,
    ripping,
    My emotions tumble.
    Disemboweled,
    I howl at the Moon.

    ...Once, you said you loved me...




    Submitted on 2019-04-26 18:37:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i too remember Play-Doh but due to familial budgetary constraints when younger, was asked to make do(h) with salt dough - sough eye did...

    as for your submission mate, it's clearly a cathartic piece and the class/type, poetry/broken heart is a giveaway (i for one would remove this option as in my opinion, it rather lessens the need to interpret).

    i like the imagery which as it should be, bearing in mind the Japanese element, is both measured and cruel.

    however, i do think that the physical shape of the narrative could be changed in order to better enforce such strong emotional intent so:


    (title) Once, you said you loved me...

    Harakiri of the soul my friend,
    Connecting dots.
    Connecting dots of traumas,
    In ways that only you could understand.

    (Carve) zig-zag lines across my soul.
    ripping,
    my emotions tumble disemboweled
    and i howl at the Moon.

    hope this helps in some way and good luck with all of the rest of it...

    k
    | Posted on 2019-04-27 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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