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Hara kiri

Author: rememberplaydoh
Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 78 /103 /60
Words: 45
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1153
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 349


Hara kiri

(written 19 April 2019)

Harakiri of the soul,
My friend,
Connecting dots of traumas
In ways that
only you could understand.

Zig-zag lines rend my core,
My emotions tumble.
I howl at the Moon.

...Once, you said you loved me...

Submitted on 2019-04-26 18:37:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  i too remember Play-Doh but due to familial budgetary constraints when younger, was asked to make do(h) with salt dough - sough eye did...

as for your submission mate, it's clearly a cathartic piece and the class/type, poetry/broken heart is a giveaway (i for one would remove this option as in my opinion, it rather lessens the need to interpret).

i like the imagery which as it should be, bearing in mind the Japanese element, is both measured and cruel.

however, i do think that the physical shape of the narrative could be changed in order to better enforce such strong emotional intent so:

(title) Once, you said you loved me...

Harakiri of the soul my friend,
Connecting dots.
Connecting dots of traumas,
In ways that only you could understand.

(Carve) zig-zag lines across my soul.
my emotions tumble disemboweled
and i howl at the Moon.

hope this helps in some way and good luck with all of the rest of it...

| Posted on 2019-04-27 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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