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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Daniel Barlow
    Elite Ratio:    5.95 - 2138/2100/1700
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 306
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1026



    Description:
       Cheers to Keith for the edit suggests.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    when i watch you from the long grass
    patricia,
    assuming the position of a lion




    i don't know




    patricia,                              









    but,
                   it seems like that boyfriend of yours
                   is a wildebeest

         

    with a limp.                              




    Submitted on 2019-04-29 02:58:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      And what a fantasy it is. This girl - this lioness - toys around with her prey, let's it run, and gets a little closer.

    All the while you stalk in the tall grass like a hopeful voyeur. Envious of the soon-to-be-consumed wildebeest. And the irony is lost, because that wildebeest is lucky to be prey to such a glorious predator.

    Cheers
    | Posted on 2019-05-02 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      with a limp...

    surely you could finesse the word gimp in there somehow?!

    bonjour,

    k
    | Posted on 2019-04-30 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      so from that bit of back and forth, you might consider that patricia's chap might put up a fight.

    and that would make the conquest all the sweeter.

    good to see you bursting into print on my page mate but no need for me to punctuate, annotate and oscillate prior to your postings - you have your 5hit in a tin when it comes to annunciating what it is that makes your ticks tick and i see it as ours, the casual observers' role, to kick you around a bit so that you ask a few questions of not just your wordsmithery but your motives too.

    just like you do when you critique my awkward attempts :-))

    stay cool kiwi,

    k
    | Posted on 2019-04-30 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      i like your version, where it seems to me as if the addition of the two patricia's is flirtatious, direct, intimate, and purposeful. :)


    my thought was what the lion knows is to act.



    patricia. patricia. patricia.
    | Posted on 2019-04-29 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      ooh.

    be careful.

    watch all natural history-related footage of wildebeests and absorb, for they may be slow and cumbersome but from what i have seen D, they are implacable - and remorseless and tough as feck...

    and it's a shame in my view that you haven't given patricia a name in your pom so, all of that aside:

    when i watch you from the long grass

    patricia,

    assuming the position of a lion

    patricia,

    i don't know
    but,
    it seems like your boyfriend is a wildebeest...

    etc.

    gay...

    | Posted on 2019-04-29 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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