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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Daniel Barlow
    Elite Ratio:    5.95 - 2138/2099/1688
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 384
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       a patricia poem


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdots
    -------------------------------------------



              standing in the living room all day with my headphones on,
              vibing to the music. vibing to you.
              i swear, you could have knocked on my door,

         

                                            i might never have heard you






    Submitted on 2019-05-26 02:33:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is what i would do to start with, in order to make it more personal:

    standing in MY living room with THE headphones on...

    vibing to the music (and) vibing to you

    i swear, HAD you knocked on my door (gives patricia more impact (which i have to assume she has/has had?)) and it also suggests more yearning from your perspective?

    fwiw i like the idea that you are enjoying your music whilst missing a knock on the door - and there is a tension there that could do with a coat of looking at.

    just saying...

    i trust that you are well?

    k
    | Posted on 2019-07-06 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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