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    dots Submission Name: coping mechanismdots

    Author: cornonthekob
    Elite Ratio:    6.26 - 665/487/423
    Words: 2661
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 240
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 16049


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscoping mechanismdots

    Since there is no remedy I’ll fall into a melody 
    Where I can tell you anything
    And we can share a memory
    Besides my place inside it I have no need to be silent
    I have never felt violent
    I’m just living in my moment
    Whether just a ride I rode or the thing that no one knows
    I am sure that it will grow
    My artificial rose
    I don’t need a punch line I can tell that you’re a joke
    Pulling on the strings of me tied to this false hope
    I don’t need a sign to say we’re heading towards a cliff
    It won’t make a bit of difference
    What I do and do not get

    The heart may strum along
    The mind is not so swift
    So this is not a song
    Just my mind about a drift

    You may disappear I may make it big There’s nothing truly to fear its good enough to live.

    if there is nothing to me,
    I am not an asset
    I could have said anything
    but you still stayed to listen

    this has really got to be
    a moment to be shared
    but circumstance is tricky and rarely seems to care.

    Even if it’s artificial
    I can’t look away
    tell me really what would you do, what else could you say.

    A trick that I created
    to candy coat my mind
    has fooled me once again,
    on repeat and by design

    I have never told a soul since the day that I met you,
    and if I gave a bit away you know I never meant to
    what is this but just a hobby
    for the sake of my own psyche
    i do not know their names,
    I do not care if they like me.
    If I’m really a part of this,
    sickness and all
    then I’ll have built a new roof
    and start tearing down walls.
    If it’s truly the thing I helped make with my mind,
    then I’m keeping it around and I’m taking what is mine.

    it’s a modern commodity
    for far from the mainstream
    the main stake of themes
    and the cost of a daydream
    taking me
    making me
    fixing me
    breaking me
    all over influencing
    interfacing with a memory
    can we make it more intricate if I learn to be delicate can I smash it apart and see how the pieces fit
    fuck any fame I’m fine without a fortune it seems too good to be true I really should mention

    if I’m taking the cake
    you can keep the crown,
    I’m not looking for accolades but I’m sticking around
    this may be part of me
    well worn grandiosity
    settled by torment
    or lit with curiosity
    either way works if I’m looking for a high
    it doesn’t have to tell me any other reason why
    if you are there
    I know that you think,
    but I won’t hear your thoughts
    when I’m at the kitchen sink

    if I could keep you simple and small
    I’d keep you in my pocket
    and use you on them all.

    I’d salivate constantly
    eating up everything
    to serve as my distraction for what it sees in me.

    What if it’s sick
    like the back of my mind
    it’s telling me to kick
    it’s kicking me to climb
    and after I get out of this
    my head is off the guillotine
    sitting to the side
    with this moment as a memory.

    You don’t mean much to me
    when I’m sitting with my family
    And my mother is across from me
    and my sister hears me clearly

    Even when you’re there
    I’m not even close to tense
    Less the circumstance I’m in
    more a pointless kind of sense

    The ticking
    in my mind
    doesn’t find
    a sense of time
    I am left
    with my own kind
    who are just
    as deaf and blind
    There is more to me than this,
    it is an artificial bliss
    No matter how bad that it gets
    it’s always something that I miss

    Floating on a cloud
    is better
    than rusting in the rain
    But it’s a hell of an exercise
    trusting in my brain
    As if it really makes me
    feel I’m not the same
    The craziest people
    think that they are sane
    I know that I’m crazy
    and it’s more than a maybe
    Flapping my lips on
    the way it’s been lately
    I am not anything
    but this disease
    Showing me everything
    I want to see

    Out of sorts
    from the source
    it’s the movement that’s got me

    From the start
    in the heart
    it is not quite like misery

    Make believe
    to deceive
    what I see inside with honesty

    This is not
    all I’ve got
    it’s only a part of me

    Worth is not like a number you can calculate and keep
    It is more like an exchange for who you choose to be
    Under this same sun we are one and all alike
    Choosing where to go as we take our path to flight

    The worst part of a dream is right before you wake
    The moment you decided to remember your true place

    All the motivation won’t move something too big
    And it won’t matter that you care,
    or all the things that you can get

    You fill me with fumes,
    painting over sentiment
    Telling me who I am,
    what they truly meant
    It’s eye for an eye but you’re invisible to me
    The unasked for
    rush of a daydream

    Pulling the tides
    and drowning me
    In a way
    I know too well
    yet no one sees
    Even if you heard
    or once were a witness
    You’ll never know how it is,
    living with mental illness

    A sharper thorn might penetrate the skin
    But longer horns would give away my sins
    Or better yet
    a better view
    is just
    a better place to hide
    But I can’t place you out of view
    right behind my eyes

    Every moment I’m alive
    you’re there to tell me how
    I am to live my life quietly
    or hidden in a crowd
    Better men wouldn’t try
    to bend you to their will
    But I am only who I am,
    no more closer to the kill

    Uneventful meals
    are mountains
    that are moving
    in my mind
    Just because
    I tried to care
    I’ll admit that I am almost blind

    I don’t really expect the world
    to offer me its hand
    Just like I don’t expect the world
    to truly understand

    If it’s always going to be
    I’ll find a better way to bleed
    And keep the better dreams
    under lock and rusted key

    Because if most of what I do
    is stare off into space
    I might as well imagine that
    it’s quite a marvelous place

    If it’s not real but I can’t help but imagine
    I might as well take it
    from the start
    to begin with

    Really the quality
    isn’t all that bad for me
    It’s the conflict with my life
    confusing my reality

    I have more than
    bits and pieces
    of the fabric that I hold
    The pieces that are real are less my own to mold

    And if it takes more practice
    I’ll make it very clear
    I do not live in agony I no longer live in fear

    Under the influence
    of someone else’s thoughts
    I’m small and insignificant,
    counting all I’ve got
    Penny after penny
    all I ever do is leech
    Completely out of practice,
    and not the type to preach

    Lesson after lesson
    you’re the one to tell me how
    Everything I’m building up
    is surely going down
    It’s hard to look you in the eye
    when once you were a joke
    Something other than compromise,
    something close to hope

    The water looks clear
    but the currents
    are violent
    Taking me from understanding
    out into the silence
    Where anything I imagine
    is real
    for a moment
    And a more practical dream makes me feel less use less

    If I look straight ahead
    and focus on my goals
    Will I fail or will I win,
    will I stand or will I fold
    The truth is it’s not
    a matter of my will
    People are born;
    Some with some without skill

    I don’t care so much
    if you know just what I mean

    So long as it is manageable,
    and me
    If I walk straight ahead
    will I make it to the end
    Of this
    maze in every moment,
    making me pretend

    If I fall
    for all the colors
    will they start to form a picture
    Rolling off my tounge like a junkie quoting scripture
    Never quite clear on how the pieces all fit
    Is it something you will see,
    how soon
    will I

    This is nothing new to me,
    delusion-high on dopamine

    Close enough to see it all,
    counting on the forward fall

    But this is not my heart and soul,
    I’m not in control
    this is up to you now,
    letting me back out

    a little change
    is all I get
    when you see my regret
    a little sweat drips
    of the skin,
    each time I let you in

    my heart beats fast
    and my eyes move
    like I’m stuck on the side of the road,
    watching a disaster

    but really you’re here
    to numb my senses
    to dullify
    and nullify
    all of my pretensions
    to forge me slowly,
    keeping me in the fire
    to calculate my words,
    to make me less a liar

    No matter how real
    it ever gets
    It’s the many lives I live
    Even after every voice
    with no name
    it’s still the same
    I just want to say
    what I have done
    to have fun
    I just want to
    throw it all away
    to save face

    Even if it’s real I am not proud
    The silence of a room
    can be so loud
    What if what I’ve made
    turns out wrong,
    I can’t right it with a song
    What if I’m afraid
    of what I’m suppose to feel
    because it’s real
    Is it something I should choose to either lose or reveal

    The implications are vast and far reaching
    (they’re preaching)
    No one is even trying to beat me
    (or hardly)
    Everythings fine for the minute
    (I’m in it)
    The pulse of an unordinary moment
    (you hold it)

    Numbers hold no special meaning to me
    Codes don’t hide,
    I don’t see them in anything
    No ones here to
    hear and collect my thoughts
    At a certain point they were all that I’ve got

    The room doesn’t spin
    when I let you exist
    But it’s a faithless persons spiritual bliss
    It confines me to spaces
    I don’t fit within
    It caresses my spine
    it crawls under my skin

    I’m about the same as I’ve been
    but I’ve grown
    Going through experiences
    I make sure aren’t known

    Seceretely wishing
    it added up to something
    All the while knowing it’s really
    next to nothing

    At a certain point
    I forget
    you ever
    almost existed
    And it’s nothing like perfect,
    I don’t know what bliss is
    But fitting in gets to be better with time
    The changes are little
    and I really don’t mind

    I am not so concerned about things
    falling apart
    And if I do
    I don’t assume
    it’s pieces of my heart
    This is just a struggle,
    that is common with life
    I feel lighter
    with laughter

    Nothing can stop me
    from living my life
    Even if nothing
    can help me
    get it just right
    I am okay to be
    simple and small
    I don’t have to compare
    to another at all

    I don’t mind
    wasting away
    it’s not a waste of my time

    There are just
    too many people
    living in my mind
    Changing how I feel
    with what they reveal
    to me
    Taking me apart
    playing my heart
    with misery

    The tone of you there
    is taking me away
    To the place I like to hide
    and the place you like to play
    Where everything is gray
    and everyone is you
    Pieces of a picture
    nothing close to true

    Invisible monsters
    have made
    my head their home
    Confusing the sense
    of what I do and do not know
    With the voices in my head
    I’ll never be alone
    killing me gently with their tendancy to grow


    You are just a mask
    and a coping mechanism
    For a broken mind
    with a severe condition
    Nothing I do
    will bring you into reality
    But nothing I do will keep me
    from the dream

    On repeat
    there you are
    no matter how
    I prove you false
    Creeping up on me with consistancy exploiting my faults
    Since there is nothing I can do
    to expell you from my life
    My only other option is
    a self created compromise

    You will not change my actions, or the choices I make
    And I will only turn to you when I’m just about to break
    I will consider you a window to my imagination
    The one that only shuts from hopeless desperation

    Submitted on 2019-09-13 11:35:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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