"From Fat to Thin"
Slam Poetry - by Deanna
When I was fat,
I wasn't seen.
I was glanced over like a new person in a room full of friends,
to them I blend in with the walls
melting into my own existence.
Glanced over like I was a penny on the ground, only picked up as a joke or to flip over for the next person to get "good luck".
I used to swallow down the vomit after forcing myself to eat a single kernel of corn
so I could tell myself I had eaten that day.
Lying to myself in the process.
Looking in the mirror for hours, comparing my body to the people on TV
Wishing I was different.
I was seen.
Now that I've lost weight,
I am seen.
But is it the right way?
I am now the good luck you pick up on the sidewalk
now I am the five dollar bill you find when you need it most.
But the problem is,
Now I am seen.
Seen for what my body looks like and not my mind.
Seen for what your mind sees when you picture me without clothes on.
Seeing me for what my body can do for you,
Not for my thoughts.
Not for my personality
Not for who I am.
Being seen isn't all it's cracked up to be,
I see the vomit after I throw up
to keep the body you enjoy seeing so much.
I see the scale move drastically
too far down.
I see the food
still on my plate
..two hours later,
food that I refuse to eat because I'm
"Just not hungry".
I say this to myself,
to no one
lying to myself
But in reality
I'm trying to stay in the view of people.
Staying off the sidewalk and in the pockets of strangers instead of being walked on, or over.
I am seen.
when did I lose myself trying to find myself?
In the pile of forgotten pennies,
dropped on the street like they are worth nothing.
But I AM worth something.
I am seen now.
But at what cost to myself?