[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Hark! To The Ramparts! Pt 2dots

    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 462
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1189
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2959

       READ THIS FIRST!!!!!!

    Okay, now that I have your attention... This poem is an experiment. I had the idea to try to tell a story in a series of poems. Hey, if the bards of the past did it in songs I can try right? This poem by itself may not make much sense or seem finished. Think of it like a chapter in a book so to speak, alone it seems incomplete, but when you read it with the book it all works into a cohesive whole. THIS WILL NOT MAKE SENSE UNLESS YOU READ PT 1 FIRST!! Just letting you know... Anyways, the next part will come soon so any tips, thoughts, suggsstions, or criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again. (sorry it's so long)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHark! To The Ramparts! Pt 2dots

    She was lost,
    Or so she claimed,
    In a world far to complex
    For a lady to bother
    With such trivial affairs as money and power.

    A snake if I ever saw one.

    Born under nobility,
    Yet still reeking of that insatiable lust
    For prominence and fortitude.
    That need for power
    That only the powerless lack,
    The need to be known
    If in notoriety alone.

    Beautiful, yes,
    I do not deny her that.
    Her radiance was as bright
    As any Angel of the Heavens;
    But Angels have swords
    And the ability to fall...
    Her eyes flashed of emeralds
    And shone with the fire of the intellectual,
    And yet, somehow still retained
    The frigid gaze
    Of a reptile in the sun.
    Ready for the right time to unleash its fangs
    And sink them into surprised flesh.

    Her residence was the court of the king,
    A constant silent fixture
    In a hall of royalty and discussion.
    There she stayed,
    Day after day,
    Watching and waiting,
    Viewing the petty nobles
    And their arguments over land
    Lost and gained.

    In those halls of stone
    Was the first time I saw her
    As I stood before the throne.
    Just another insignificant soldier.
    One of many hundreds
    We stood silent as the king
    Addressed us with our duties
    And our dignity as men.

    He said, “Brothers I bid you
    Good tidings and joy.
    For it is because of your sacrifices,
    Your sweat and your toil,
    That I remain your fathful king.
    So I ask of you, my brothers,
    Keep safe our homeland
    And protect its people.
    Fight through blood and pain,
    Remain vigilant on your posts,
    And if it is the will of God,
    You will all receive a place
    At my victory table.”

    A thunder of cheers arose from our numbers
    And yet I could not make out
    What my own mouth was saying.
    My gaze had been fixed
    On this angel in the corner,
    This silent goddess
    Whom I knew not her name.
    And as we all filed out
    To do our duties as men,
    I swore to myself that day.
    I swore I would come back to her,
    I swore I would claim her as my own,
    I swore that this was the lady
    The Gods had named for me
    And I would make her my own.

    This man is a fool.

    Years went by,
    I toiled for the people,
    Yet constantly dreaming of her.
    Still she quietly sat
    In that hall of stone,
    Always watching, waiting,
    Yet ever silent and unmoving,
    A paradox to all who viewed her.

    Until that fateful day
    When the king spoke of war.

    Submitted on 2004-08-08 16:01:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A worthy sequel to the first part.... one correction: 7th paragraph: should be "faithful" king (misspelled...). Wonderful in all ways -- you are painting an awesome picture with your words.
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]
      Again, this is great! Loved it! One thing though...um...I think you need to go through and check all of your references to God, god, Gods, gods. If you are speaking of the one true God, then capitalization is correct, but if you are reffering to Greek, Latin, or Roman gods, then it shouldn't be capitalized. Go back through and I think you will see what I am talking about if this was at all confusing or unclear, lol.
    | Posted on 2004-08-08 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]