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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the splitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 994
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1559



    Description:
        i just really felt the need to post this one...just wrote it the other night, really late, so its a little muffled in my conscience...i miss my boy, in Japan...its about us, this october it will be 4 years we'd have been together, if we didn't take this little break while he went in the service...i wish he'd come back...his absence has taken a part of my life and put it near a window, where its always looking looking...just kind of waiting, hanging out...i feel like thats all i have to do sometimes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe splitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    somehow...it happens on the split,
    You & I in love
    Leaving just a teeny little crevice
    Where we could crawl out of it
    If we wanted to, but don't think of where
    Huddled up on a closet shelf, is there
    room for thoughts up there?
    Didn't you notice breath makes light
    stuffy, and the scarcity's only the air...?
    Think I realized way before you that it
    was becoming a game
    This love of ours <closetly> the uniforms
    all hung
    dressing us up tho we're not the same...
    As any one of them
    Remember how you'd come home, heavy
    and tired?
    and I would rub your shoulders down
    roll over on top of you and just exhale
    you'd breathe in, going slow because
    we both know my habits, like me, are frail
    There are people outside the apartment,
    in their hurries and their cars
    What I love about you is I don't have to
    take my time, I can always take yours
    Doesn't matter where we go, because we
    always come so far...
    And there are people inside that talk so
    loud and bang up our thinning stairs
    Trying to drum out their own commandments
    When they should be on hands and knees
    Searchin for traces of prayers
    They don't interrupt us in our dreamy
    room-shaped room
    we just have our own affairs...
    Because you & I on love
    Is a ride we take when we split





    Submitted on 2004-08-09 12:51:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very moving. I can feel myself looking at a storybook of the two of you, being split up and suffering through it. You're a very good writer and you sure can express what you feel. I can relate to being far away from a loved one, and I can just see myself walking in the lines of your poetry during those sad moments. Thank you for the experience. Power to you! :)
    | Posted on 2004-08-16 00:00:00 | by 4trackmind | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, there is a saying that every split, let's call it then this way - helps the integration. I felt something incredible while reading this piece. I saw you moving, being together - but always without any words. Strange, isn't it? Like the silence were the most eloquent thing you could say. And I think this is the main power of this piece. Everything around so loud, could be annoying, huh? And certainly is annoying, when you are alone... but not then, not with him.

    The manipulation of sounds in this piece is the main artistic plus. Amazing.
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      im really glad you posted this too... i hope he comes back to you sometime soon... i love your imagery in here, your ideas...
    'What I love about you is I don't have to
    take my time, I can always take yours'
    is simply brilliant! as is the part about ppl who should be on their knees looking for prayers not barking commandments... that bit struck me most of all! but it doesnt effect you... you and your boy seem to have a whole nother world of your own which is the way love is i guess... very good write.
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow.. wow.. this is incredible.. it's like one of those poems that you just HAVE to write and you never had any choice in the matter.
    i loved the lines :
    "What I love about you is I don't have to
    take my time, I can always take yours"
    the whole poem is just brimming with raw and honest emotion.. longing and love and resentment and exhilaration..

    this was incredible.. i'm really glad you posted it
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW...I MEAN WOW... I am taken back by this piece...To the point where I am lacking in words to get across what I think, I dont feel right commenting on it. any points I would raise if I could find any would be petty and useless I think. THis piece is amazing its so powerful(for lack of a better word).THe only thing I can really say about it is I see you...a shilloutte on your side in bed with a ghost craddling you from behind. AGAIN LET ME SAY WOW...I am so glad you felt the need to post this one, thanx for sharing it with us...kind of wish I had more constructive things to say, but again I dont feel right commenting on this one.-John
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      In the remarks you make it seem like the two of you are just apart, but still a couple, yet the title and the language make it seem more like a break up when he left. So is this continuing affair a thing you carry on alone, waiting to see if he comes back? I guess the poem is good because it piques my interest, but I wasn't thrilled with room shaped room either. Sounded like something that would come from president Bush's mouth!
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      'room-shaped room' I've never thought to say something so simple and truthful. Well I applaud both of you for being able to maintain such a long-distance relationship (i assume supported by such beautiful memories as you've rendered here). I wonder, and ill tell ya why in a second - did ya'll have no arguments, resolve all your arguments before he left, or just let the arguments get buried in the missingness? I wonder because if I have any unresolved arguments with a girl (I hav etones with friends tho) the longer I don't see her the more I hate her. Obviously I have a very specific trust issue but I was wondering how normalish people do it. In fact, I wonder how the longterm thing is done at all. Then I'm in love mode i get lonely so easily. I recall me and my fiance would measure our partedness in the hours, and then when we had to go home we just stayed on the fone - I took that thing everywhere - people learned to accept her cellular prescence. Enough rambling, although this poem really makes me wanna
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      room-shaped rooms?! what the hell does that mean? of course a room is shaped like a room! otherwise, Darwin's theory would already be proved. Other then that, i like how u two are so different, yet still in love...it proves something, although im not sure what.
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by WD20x2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I love this. It breathes. It's really atmospheric… Sexy, really. It's got a beautiful rhythm to it. So powerful, to me anyway… Becky
    | Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      'I saw you moving, being together - but always without any words.' - Yes, exactly! That is what's so hypnotic about this poem. It feels practically silent, but it breathes.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


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