Oh, come on now, physics can be so much more fun than this! Where is the explosion? The heat? The gravitational pull to join or ride orbit with another on the Space Carousel? 'tis only boring if you make it so...
Well, it's been a long time since I read the old one, but this is certainly briefer. It still packs a punch though. I should probably go back and edit some of mine, but I can't be arsed too much. I like the atom comparison.
Kind of cold, you know? I can kind of see you (or someone) with this girl and you end up just screaming at her, because she doesn't get it. Anyway. The subject is kind of clichéd, but the way you put it is original, and the whole "coldness" of Chemistry, matches the mood.
Damn fine work my good man. An excellent revision, and proof positive that most things are better when not dumbed down for the average reader, who, let's face it, probably isn't reading poetry anyway. It?s great to see an innovative and clever central idea that maintains a high level of artistry in its presentation. In this incarnation, it?s a new addition to the favorites list.
-You keep writing, I?ll keep reading. -Chris
PS- You must have joined up right when I left for vacation, I?ll have to take a look through your earlier submissions to play catch up. If there are any that you?re particularly proud of, send me a list and I?ll check ?em out.
damn...diaspora isn't in random house fourth edition...i'll have to guess...love the use of intelligent language...something i strive for, but have not yet been able to master...this was definitely very original and the effort is apparent...or perhaps in your case...it was easy...lol...either way, it's another super piece added to your collection of awe inspirings...nice to see these girls don't get all of our guys...hehe...although down here i'm surrounded by so many of them...i just had a flash back of "Last COmic Standing" the last episode...where one of the comedians...can't remember which one says something to the effect of...do you ever have that dream where you're naked...and you're at a party...and Paris Hilton is there...and she's wearing clothes...and you still look less slutty than she does...hehehaha...dunno why that popped in my head...anyway, i'm rambling...this was fantastic, as usual!
nice. everything on an atomic level here- i think it put the relationships between little particles and people to good use. i liked the line "electric/ epicurean prima donna/full of nothing" especially, because i know so many people like that, and it describes them perfectly. well i think you got your feelings across- subtle? no. loud and clear? yep. liked it.
nice use of big words i almost had to take out my dictionary. you must really like science, im surprised i actually understood this. i liked this maybe if they had spoken like this during chemistry i would have paid attention.
Nice title there, and a good write. A veritable thicket of thoughts in the first stanza. I don't think that I've ever seen that metaphor before, so props for the original thinking. Also, I like the last line - really gives the piece a human element. Possible ways to improve the piece: I'd say try to raise the amount of metaphor and intellectualism in the second and third stanza to match the first rather than explain it (though that might make it less enjoyable of a read); try adding punctuation, sometimes it makes things better - sometimes it doesn't, only way you'll know is to try it and see. However, these aren't complaints, just suggestions, and I really liked the piece.
Ouch! This one hurt me. I hope the subject of the piece didn't feel half the sting of this. Wow, this is probably the most technically eloquent rejection I've ever read. I think I may have felt that way before, but never expressed those feelings toward anyone with such calculated frigidity. Did I already say Ouch. Very nICE write!
that one is sweet. i know where i'm putting it...my fave list. she must be something this girl, all yolk and no albumin...like Helen of Troy. i knew a pretty boy like that once. he was a virgin blonde. last time i saw him he was wearing a black dress and had tattoed his head. said he was gonna move to south africa and open up a nightclub there. haven't heard from him since, poor thing. he couldn't have gone over well...that was a few months before the political unrest. oh, well, i was done with him anyway. :)