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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Electron Diasporadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Black Rock Tractor
    Elite Ratio:    3.78 - 555/824/140
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1429
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 545



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsElectron Diasporadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Electron Diaspora
    More negative than electric
    Epicurean prima donna
    Full of nothing

    Prodding for a proton
    Godspeed be with you
    That an isotope comes
    In reciprocal equilibrium

    Yet I ask you not to circle me
    Or my nucleus of friends
    Go disseminate your hubris
    To a less stable structure

    I'm not in the mood
    To be bonding with you
    As your outter shell looks fine
    But you suck like a vacuum






    Submitted on 2004-08-10 08:35:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like your poem. Its probably the best ones I've seen so far. I like the metaphors that you used throughout it. Keep up the good work!

    -Marc
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Midnight_Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      is good, good, good. i like the fact that you have reduced it to a bare essence its purest form. this is proof that a large vocabulary does not exclude talent but frequently signifies it.
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      An elegant analogy, a scientist's lexicon leaching new meaning into an age old theme,
    get the phuck out of here!
    How ya been?
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-10-07 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, come on now, physics can be so much more fun than this! Where is the explosion? The heat? The gravitational pull to join or ride orbit with another on the Space Carousel? 'tis only boring if you make it so...
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it's been a long time since I read the old one, but this is certainly briefer. It still packs a punch though. I should probably go back and edit some of mine, but I can't be arsed too much. I like the atom comparison.
    | Posted on 2004-09-15 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Kind of cold, you know? I can kind of see you (or someone) with this girl and you end up just screaming at her, because she doesn't get it. Anyway. The subject is kind of clichéd, but the way you put it is original, and the whole "coldness" of Chemistry, matches the mood.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      Glad I had physics in school, otherwise this would have been a cluster of words that I wouldn't be able to relate to. Or the dictionary would have to be opened.

    I like what you did here. There's amazing consistency. I am confused with "Diaspora". What is that.

    This is hilarious and cruel. Why??
    | Posted on 2004-08-16 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn fine work my good man. An excellent revision, and proof positive that most things are better when not dumbed down for the average reader, who, let's face it, probably isn't reading poetry anyway. It?s great to see an innovative and clever central idea that maintains a high level of artistry in its presentation. In this incarnation, it?s a new addition to the favorites list.

    -You keep writing, I?ll keep reading.
    -Chris

    PS- You must have joined up right when I left for vacation, I?ll have to take a look through your earlier submissions to play catch up. If there are any that you?re particularly proud of, send me a list and I?ll check ?em out.
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      damn...diaspora isn't in random house fourth edition...i'll have to guess...love the use of intelligent language...something i strive for, but have not yet been able to master...this was definitely very original and the effort is apparent...or perhaps in your case...it was easy...lol...either way, it's another super piece added to your collection of awe inspirings...nice to see these girls don't get all of our guys...hehe...although down here i'm surrounded by so many of them...i just had a flash back of "Last COmic Standing" the last episode...where one of the comedians...can't remember which one says something to the effect of...do you ever have that dream where you're naked...and you're at a party...and Paris Hilton is there...and she's wearing clothes...and you still look less slutty than she does...hehehaha...dunno why that popped in my head...anyway, i'm rambling...this was fantastic, as usual!
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was pretty cool. I write a lot of "kiss off" poems too. I liked the atomic/ subatomic thing. That was really unique.
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      liked the the first and third S... (epicurean prima donna sounds cool..) something about the second i can't put my finger on.. sorry..i suck at comments...
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      nice. everything on an atomic level here- i think it put the relationships between little particles and people to good use. i liked the line "electric/ epicurean prima donna/full of nothing" especially, because i know so many people like that, and it describes them perfectly. well i think you got your feelings across- subtle? no. loud and clear? yep. liked it.
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha, I liked the irony in the last stanza and the perspective of the text and the parallels you make between laws of physics and emotions. Very interesting ideas mate.
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by the apocrypha | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i have to say that i really loved what this poem was about. i think that i got it.
    Besides my nucleus
    Not to sound dubious
    But I’m not in the mood
    To form an atom

    Or at least not with you
    great lines. although the whole thing was great. keep em comeing. lia
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      nice use of big words i almost had to take out my dictionary. you must really like science, im surprised i actually understood this. i liked this maybe if they had spoken like this during chemistry i would have paid attention.
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by medusa | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice title there, and a good write. A veritable thicket of thoughts in the first stanza. I don't think that I've ever seen that metaphor before, so props for the original thinking. Also, I like the last line - really gives the piece a human element. Possible ways to improve the piece: I'd say try to raise the amount of metaphor and intellectualism in the second and third stanza to match the first rather than explain it (though that might make it less enjoyable of a read); try adding punctuation, sometimes it makes things better - sometimes it doesn't, only way you'll know is to try it and see. However, these aren't complaints, just suggestions, and I really liked the piece.



    -Good work, eh?
    -Chris
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch!
    This one hurt me. I hope the subject of the piece didn't feel half the sting of this. Wow, this is probably the most technically eloquent rejection I've ever read. I think I may have felt that way before, but never expressed those feelings toward anyone with such calculated frigidity. Did I already say Ouch. Very nICE write!
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      very clever. this is rejection down to it's most basic form! it is not even molecular (that would be too much to ask of this coupling).

    it would be great if the word "dubious" could be replaced with one that is more chemistry-related!
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]
      that one is sweet. i know where i'm putting it...my fave list. she must be something this girl, all yolk and no albumin...like Helen of Troy. i knew a pretty boy like that once. he was a virgin blonde. last time i saw him he was wearing a black dress and had tattoed his head. said he was gonna move to south africa and open up a nightclub there. haven't heard from him since, poor thing. he couldn't have gone over well...that was a few months before the political unrest. oh, well, i was done with him anyway. :)
    | Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]


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