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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lingerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 846
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 688



    Description:
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    dotsLingerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This place is cold,
    memories surround me carrying haunting pain.
    I cry for them to leave, to vacate,
    taken by the wind, like your ash.
    They remain pounding in my mind,
    paralleling your voice which echoes deep inside.
    I can not live with you suspended here.
    Falling to the ground I am overwhelmed.
    Tears streaming from me, I can not control.
    I release the trigger, knowing it will end it all.
    For a moment it is louder than your lingering soul.
    Each drop of red empties out of me, forever gone.
    Silence seeps in, everything fades, leaving death.
    While the front door rattles in the wind.




    Submitted on 2004-08-10 22:09:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is Romeo and Juliet all over again for me... your words conjure up the ill fated lifes of star crossed lovers and the true beauty of soulmates not able to live without their twin soul... Beautifully done and heart wrenchingly familiar although someone does not necessarily have to die to be lost to you forever. As always you write such haunting poetry.
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      I never read the comments before the poem, and as I read it I was thinking that the line about the haunting pain was a bit of an abstraction. I was wondering what the pain felt like to you as you wrote about it, did it give you one of those migraine headaches? Did it give you that kind of ache that makes your hair seem to hurt? Or maybee it was a knot in your stomach? Those are the kinds of imagery that let the reader share your emotion, feel your pain. Then I saw JoeyAlphabet's remarks in a similar vein. But I liked the poem, and I'm wondering what the wind rattled door at the end represents, since death has alreay let himself in. It was an erie ending.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the emotional tone of the poem come through well, bbut I think it could be stronger. For example, the line Ďmemories surround me carrying haunting painí doesnít really present a strong image to me. I think youíre still searching for a way to express the pain of the narrator. Keep going with this. I think you have the ability to make this stunning.

    I donít want to discourage you. Youíve done pretty well here, but I think the subject matter of the poem is ripe to be developed into something that can really wow a reader. :-)

    Feel free to take or leave what Iíve said. This is your work. Iím only expressing an opinion.
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a song by Coheed and Cambria in which the lyrics go just repeated over and over "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops, pull the trigger and the nightmare stops" and it kind of just goes on with the melody really fast paced and in perfect harmony.

    As I listened to that song I thought how could something so grim and so sad and dark sound so beautiful and perfect. It was a mystery to me but there I was singing along and thinking "GREAT IDEA"

    that is the nature of your poem. to take something sad and dark and turn it into a image of beauty and perfection. People read it and only see face value. So [censored] blind to the details that breathe life into it. The ratteling door, the impending silence, the haunting memories causing pain to a soul that is tortured by them. Uncontrollable tears...we've all been there.

    Man I don't know, to me it was beautiful. A perfect picture of sadness and finality. what can i really say except...

    "pull the trigger and the nightmare stops"

    great poem.
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


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