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    dots Submission Name: The Things You Should/n't Knowdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 216
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 738
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1377

       IN the description of my Piece Cardiovascular Paper I wrote about this girl who made a comment about how theres one girl I always write about, when she said that to me I realized she was it, but were both in relationships, its a very strange, dynamic, and wonderful bond she and I share. I also realized that I have never written her a poem directley and given it to her and while as I orignially put this piece together I had every intent of showing to her, in the end I know I wont. Well not yet anyhow. I dont feel all to strong about this piece, so please RIP IT APART!!!!!!!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Things You Should/n't Knowdots

    Ive written riddles
    Of a woman
    You know very well

    If I told you one thing
    Would you believe
    What I have to say

    Youíre the one
    Written of in every poem
    I just thought you should know

    But itís not just one thing
    I know I should say.

    I hate when your not around
    and The time in between hellos.

    I know I should'nt hold on.
    But youíve opened up this shell
    Picked me up time and again.

    Itís not just one thing.
    It's everything about you.

    I know that I should,
    but I wonít let you go.
    If theres one thing I know,
    it's I love you

    Iíll pick you up when you fall
    Iíll wait for you, but I won't be still.

    Youíre the one
    Written of in every poem
    I just thought you should know

    Because there are some dayís
    I feel like throwing it all away

    Just to see you
    If only long enough,
    for one heartbeat
    As our eyes meet

    Yet -
    This is one poem
    Youíll never read,
    but I do believe
    you already know
    everything I should/n't say

    Submitted on 2004-08-11 21:02:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, I just got back from ANOTHER vacation and have a lot to catch up on so my apologies for brevity. I'm pretty sure I know who you're talking about, and I understand the tentativeness. My honest opinion is that sometimes it takes a mouthfull of crabgrass before you even see over the fence. However, dropping everything never works out. I know the feeling, to the max. And I've done it. And it never. Never. works out. At any rate, I like the fact that this poem is bare boned. It says what it wants to say.
    | Posted on 2004-08-15 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      hey again, doll...why do people get so flustered when something in rhyme scheme goes different...? personally i like to switch the rhymes halfway in between or stretch it out or somethin just to keep it interesting...are people that uniform nowadays? heh heh, or maybe i just like busting balls. anyhow, some lines i like are:
    ...Iíll pick you up when you fall
    Iíll wait for you, but I won't be still
    i think thats so lovely...you truly love someone when you can say you'll always be there when they need a hand, but that you're not gonna just hang around and wait for attention to level it off, like in return...love is not a favor but a gift...
    also the last 3 lines are so true to nature...i feel that with people, lookin in the eyes of someone you love tells you sometimes...just not to. there's no need for the breath, because its already being expressed. all around i like it. its one of those where you say, point blank in the damn thing that you're prolly not gonna show it to the person, and people wanna say, "you should totally show it to her!", but...sometimes the vaults are the most personal between two people because there's a mystery to the laughter. its really pleasant to read! love ya~
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      i think the best thing about this poem is the raw honesty.. it's very tender in its delivery.. and i think the layout and linebreaks are great cause they reinforce that hesitant quality that is apparent in the words...

    the only phrase that really jarred with me was
    "Youíre the one
    Written of in every poem"..
    something about the wording just didnt sit well..

    there are a few grammatical errors (apostrophes and whatnot) but i won't point them out because i'm sure you know where they are

    it's interesting that you choose to refer to the poem within itself with the last stanza.. i did that once and was ripped to shreds for it.. but i still think it works.. there's a sense of self reflection at the end and so it is only fitting to include that line.

    it's obvious that this was written from the heart and that is its greatest strength.
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      this is much better...it reads alot better now...and i do hope you give it to her but hey i dont know the whole story i just know i would love if someone gave me a sweet write like this...the tenth stanza though is it supposed to be just instead of jut?...smiles ange
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      the thought of this poem is so sweet hopefully oner day you do give it to her...though the read was a little choppy...and i stumbled over a few parts and had to go back and read it agian...if you feel this strongly for this girl you want this to flow when she reads it...ive never read anything else from you so i dont know how you usually write but this could use some tweaking not to much though...you seemed very sweet in this ...smiles ange
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow is choppy and the rhyme isn't that uniform, but it could be taken to a whole new level with a just a tiny bit of sprucing. For instance, you should add apostrophes to the areas where you've used contractions and you need to add proper punctuation at the end of each line, as needed.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    | Posted on 2004-08-11 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]

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