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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scouting for Girls...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 177
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 896
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1152



    Description:
       i'm not sure if i wanna keep this one or shitcan it...haven't decided yet. it was all very dramatic, feelin sorry for myself again, i guess...hey, everyone does it so why can't i??? its about that guy, and his little fun pranks again while away...god, this must be eating away at me in some way i'm too proud to admit...but i guess i'm askin for it by postin it here! tell me, children, what are your thoughts?
    latah, hope someone enjoi's...!
    april


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScouting for Girls...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Scouting for girls
    is what we both should do
    it feels like you're bored w/me
    and i get too much satisfaction
    out of knowing, boring you...
    you need a blonder-blonde babe
    who'll be everything i'm not
    one who's lavish with her looks,
    at girls like me as if we were rot...
    I am far too thought inclined
    i guess that's my excuse
    Because it never gives a rest
    I'm old, discarded, used

    By the plague that plagues just me
    a thousand pains, and a hundred
    are Just to give you blues
    You know its been a part of me
    The one that wants to kill my girl
    For years and years and fading year
    Grows closed over my zombie world
    I've never been a self-inflicted dyke,
    i guess its simply luck
    So many pretty ones,
    i understand why you would...

    "Go have a nice time with..."

    But the crazy girls, we are a trip
    its only fun for a while
    But if you pretend you still like me
    i'll still pretend to smile...




    Submitted on 2004-08-12 09:58:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You were the first to comment on your own piece. That's.. wow. Alright, down to business.

    "one who's lavish with her looks,
    at girls like me as if we were rot..."

    The comma at the end of that first line is excessive. You're talking about her looks at girls like me. Looks being a noun, not a verb. At girls behaves as an adjective, modifying the noun looks. No comma. Other stuff, the second stanza seemed way more freeform than the first, and by freeform I mean without direction. I have no idea why the second stanza is evn there, much less what its trying to say. Maybe I'm stupid and don't read between your lines well enough, but eh.. each individual couple of lines there is neat but there isn't a complete thought. Really liked the ending though. Has potential but might need an overhaul.
    | Posted on 2004-08-15 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it's a painful one, but authentic. It's like a big smack - so the cheek gets red.

    "But the crazy girls, we are a trip
    its only fun for a while"

    God, it's so devastating... but I know this feeling. Isn't it f*cked up? I mean, when you know your exact personality, your identity and know all those consequences that come with it, all restrictions and limitations, rules of this game. This is not right. This should not happend this way. But I know how it is. And I know it's inevitable.

    Very good piece, April.
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      hey doll... very powerful write! it does take a while to gain momentum but wow... its simply awesome and the last stanza is just brilliant... so honest and raw and completely understood by me. though i can feel the spite in the first stanza especially with the lavish looks at girls like me... i missed that part the first time through but it is very well done! i say GO THE CRAZY GIRLS! take care of you doll!
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      well yeah the poem starts out slow. i think it would do better to cut the beginning a little. soorry if its what the other ppl said, but i kinda agree wi' em. the last stanza is simply fcuking good. its what stands out and its whats gonna make this one o' my favs.

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-08-13 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      I cant say anything new that girlinthephoto hasnt already said... What I like about your writing is how I feel there is alot of you in it...you know what I mean? I find sometimes when I read a piece by other people that I am not leanring of who they are, but with yours and from having talked to you back and forth here on this site, I feel like Ive known you for ages. I think thats a ver commendable thing! and like she said just a little tweak here and there in the beginning and you'll have another truly wonderful piece I will try and go abck to see if I can make any suggestions in regards to that...Good show!-John
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this poem gains momentum as we get closer to the end.
    the first stanza was a bit slow to be honest.. i continued reading cause i like your writing and knew that there was something in there that would make me sit back and wish i had written it myself... and that is definitely the last stanza.

    i really like the idea behind this.. that you're 'scouting' with him.. almost as though it's better if he's doing that sort of thing with your knowledge rather than being kept in the dark...

    i think you just need to tweak the beginning a bit.. and you'll have another amazing poem
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch - not only is this a self-deprecation, but you responded to urself to set the tone. It must indeed be eating you alive! I used to wonder why girls go for [censored]s until i realised I was one and should leave well enough alone . I advise understanding why he would - I mean tis alot easier to keep something pent up than to rein it back in. That last stanza was really sad - damn I honestly can't even respond to that. You should give him this website tho.
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      As I read this, from a guys perspective, I can't help but nod my head and agree. You hit the hammer right on the head. But not all guys are like that though. Back to positive critism.

    Like the structure, it works very well. You are serious, but there is a hint of humour and sarcasm, which makes for a "not so whining I-hate-guys" kind of read.

    Liked it.
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this it was sort of amusing and serious at the same time...i liked the form in which you displayed it ...made it read very interesting ...and your wording also defently madeit good...i'd have to agree with the others that those four lines were the best part of this write...smiles ange
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      well i liked this piece. i think that it was intoresting and i liked the last stanza
    But the crazy girls, we are a trip
    its only fun for a while
    But if you pretend you still like me
    i'll still pretend to smile...
    it hit me in a way i dont know why. good job lia
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      wow! this is spectacular writing, here...keep up the good work...! the only thing i didn't get was...
    oh, who am i kiddin? rock out with your cock out (which you don't got one, but its still all good). latah~april
    | Posted on 2004-08-12 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]


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