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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Randomdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: OrenroccA
    ASL Info:    17/M/Virgina
    Elite Ratio:    2.38 - 29/38/18
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 243
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 359



    Description:
       this is just something i wrote for no reson so i don't know what it means yet!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRandomdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The pain is like a dark storm cloud that threatens a horriable storm.

    The heartake burns like a fire but a fire that had bad intentions when it began.

    The happiness is like a dandilion, it gets blown away by everyone.

    The comfort is like bad milk, it seems ok but as soon as you take a sip you wish you hadn't




    Submitted on 2004-08-14 13:09:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey-
    this is pretty cool. You use strong similies that make sense and manage to be original. besides changing the first line, i have a few suggestions:

    Heartake is spelled Heartache and i would take "but" out to make it seem a bit more powerful (this line is my favorite, by the way)

    I think the dandilion part would be stronger if you took out "it gets" and just have

    "the happiness is like a dandilion; blown away by everyone"

    I like the "bad milk" part but i'm a bit unclear. i think you mean that comfort usually isn't a solution to a problem or that it dosen't help but i think a bit of clarification is in order.

    otherwise, it shows promise. if you figure out what it means- let me know :)
    Thanks for sharing-
    SASHA LYNN

    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree that you should change the first line.. and you spelled "horrible" wrong. Besides that I liked it... I'm with you though.. I have no idea what exactly you were trying to say. If you figure it out let me know! Cool piece.
    Brooke
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      <3 everything but the first line...bad repetition of "storm" lol

    "The pain is like a dark cloud threatening to bring a storm."

    would be better.
    | Posted on 2004-08-14 00:00:00 | by graffitijeans | [ Reply to This ]



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