Description: Okay, so it's sappy -- get over it. I know it's not right to do this, but one day my friend really needed a poem for her English class, and who else could do it better than me. I had ten minutes and she gave me the topic of love: this is the result. Thoughts? Advice? Anything would be helpful....
Like Honey From His Mouth -------------------------------------------
Like honey from his mouth
Sweet words spill slowly from his lips;
All day long I can't stop dreaming,
Wait to feel his fingertips.
I never thought I'd feel like this;
I never knew I'd see--
That this is what I longed for;
What I wanted just for me.
Don't tell me that I'm foolish--
You're not standing in my place,
If you were then you'd be blind like me,
Lost in the smile on his face.
I wish that you could comprehend;
I feel so far above...
I wish that you could understand --
This feeling is called love.
Yes, Love is deep. "Like honey from his mouth" I like that. Everytime my girl whispers in my ear. I feel as if I'm standing alone in the middle of nowhere and I all i feel is a breeze.
You gave this to your friend for English class?!? Must be a good friend!
I sympathize with your pathos here, and although the delivery is a little standard, you belt it out beautifully. Your tone could do with some stablizing, but on a purely emotional level, it rings true. More interesting words would not hurt your cause here, nor would some variation in Capitalizing. Remember, the Only real Purpose of Capitalizing words is to give Emphasis and Power to those Words.
Yeah...love...lust...infatuation...desire...need...it seems like when it hits you, it hits you like a train...well...at least for me it always has...and I'm not going to say anything dumb about you being too young to know these feelings...[censored], I got MARRIED when I was 17...
It's actually a really good 10-minute poem! No, it's pretty decent- I don't know why you're begging for help. The one thing I noticed that is wrong is in the 4th line I belive- "wait" has to be "waiting" because otherwise your verb tenses aren't parallel, and it doesn't make sense. I know it screws up the syllables and the cadence, but I don't have any suggestions there... rhyming isn't really my thing, so I try not to critisize.
But I didn't think it was too sappy- the last line made me barf a little, but it was such a small amount that it doesn't count. (sorry, that's my humor for ya!) No, honestly- very good, and I actually liked it quite a bit, more than I'm portraying in this comment! Forgive me, it's been a long day and I'm tired and bitter and mad at love in general. I feel some angst-y poems coming out soon...
hey, sappy isn't always bad! A few of mine have been sappy latley so oh well. Sometimes a person just makes you write like this, and it's never a bad thing. Anyways, this ws a sweet good little poem. It came off with real feeling and that is always good. How come I can never make a girl feel like that? oh well, some guys have it, some guys don't. Good job dandan, thanks for sharing!
Submission Name: Like Honey From His Mouth
No, it's pretty decent- I don't know why you're begging for help. The one thing I noticed that is wrong is in the 4th line I belive- "wait" has to be "waiting" because otherwise your verb tenses aren't parallel, and it doesn't make sense. I know it screws up the syllables and the cadence, but I don't have any suggestions there... rhyming isn't really my thing, so I try not to critisize. 