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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bird's Eye (Edited)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1021
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 612



    Description:
       This has been edited since the original posting so I re-posted and left the original. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBird's Eye (Edited)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am perched upon this branch
    Within the mist of darkness
    Voicing what is inside of me
    In hopes you will hear my call

    I know I am alone here
    I feel the shards of ice
    Develop in my blood
    Listening to my thoughts
    My words are cries
    Feeling within the depths
    My heart beats are tears
    I am incomplete without you here
    This black bird takes off into the sky
    The view is lonely as I search for you
    I need you and I think of the day
    When you come to me and melt
    The ice within these veins




    Submitted on 2004-08-14 22:04:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well I like this version too. I just love the whole concept of it. You show loneliness as such a dark thing - and it is, but you made me feel alone and I'm not alone. This made my emotions flow with it, wonderful job.
    | Posted on 2004-08-15 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, I actually posted on this poem at your poetry site Belle

    http://lyricalmuse.4.forumer.com/

    So not sure if you will see this post but if so, let me just say quickly, done in open-form style. Something you have become very good at. Uses middle of the road words, not too complex not too simple, very happy medium which suits your poem here very well.

    Well Done
    I am sure I'm biased though.
    (damn the bad luck)

    Peace,
    fizzle
    | Posted on 2004-08-17 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      wonderful job capturing the feeling of loneliness and longing. I haven't read the original, but this is great. I really like the last three lines.
    | Posted on 2004-08-17 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]


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