Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

***Falling Tears***

Author: realpassion
ASL Info:    27/Male/Nigeria
Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 81 /70 /50
Words: 130
Class/Type: Poetry /Nostalgia
Total Views: 1040
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 935


What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

***Falling Tears***

In those days of agile condensation
Falling sky tears we saw...
When warmer air lacked the vigour
To bear the weight on his hunch,
We heard the heavens wept.
Then clouds; heavier than a thousand
Elephants ripped its' waxy garment
To empty its' streams of droplets
On earth.
Cos' drumbeats was played on my rooftop
And parched earth quenched
Her thirst for skys' tasty tears.
But inmates we became in our homes
And our skin yearned for the warm
Rays of solar power.
Yes, tears dropped with intense precipitation
Like noahs' deluge.
Alas! our hearts buried we beneath
Sheepskins and wooven wool
Like arctic eskimos.
Thus; nature threatens existence...
How we do feel as with faith of old
The diluted heat of sahara!
Lingering in our minds' eye?

Submitted on 2004-08-16 05:19:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This is beautiful and very cryptic. One thing I really liked is how you didn't just call your homes, jails, but instead you changed it so that we became inmates in our own homes. That shows great originality. Other than that, I'm going to be honest. I didn't quite grasp all of this, so I won't comment on the subject matter.

| Posted on 2004-08-16 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
  so are you saying that since we reject the life giving rain from the skies, that we will all perish from the protection that we construct? its good, i believe that the heat of the sahara is not diluted but too much for us to take but we long for it but we need the rain for life.
| Posted on 2004-08-16 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?