Description: This is the beginning of a story rather than a poem. I thought, instead of writting a story I'd make it poetic, thus nicer. Hope it isn't bad, to say the least.
Seaside Suicide pt. 1 -------------------------------------------
Long ago when I was younger,
afore I heard of death or murder
or knew that children died of hunger
I had a happy, sappy mind.
Today the world is full of hatred,
people's right to live is raided
while their memories are grated
naught but photos to remind.
Truly blessed and blissful days
are now from me well far behind.
Marching through a seaside's breath
judging life and praising death-
delusive mind begun beguiling
my deficient heart to crying,
will to live within me dying
nought to do but suicide.
This due to infinite sadness
I'd no longer strive to hide.
ok i read all 4 parts of this and ended up coming back to this one. i am not very fond of these. i think you write better than them. but they are interesting in that they tell a story and therefore you are left wondering what next. i do like them, but they are not my favorites by you. just my opinion so don't take it to heart ok honey **
ok i think that you did well going from live being simple then saying that its not as easy any more. but when you used the word afore. i dont know it just seems off to me, drawling too much attention to that one word then to the wrest of the poem. i would change it to before. then in the second part, it was good to, i liked the wording but if you look up the word "beguiling" it dont fit in this form it means to mislead or deprive. so although this words sound interesting together it doesnt make much sense in a literal form
still i liked this piece, most of all the "Marching through a seaside's breath judging life" i really liked how you used seasides breath instead of just saying plainly the beach.
Hey finally a new submission and w/ sequels too. Hmm intresting storyline. Don't change anything. Yeah I'm like that too each time I read a piece of my work I think there's something I could have done better/ iproived it somehow and beat myself ^ over it but this is a great piece. Keep it up. Now onto 2 and 3
this is a very sad but realistical problem, i agree with you today there is a lot of hatred in the world, just look at what has been happening for the past four years, every one experiences a form of hatred, its hurts other people more than others, but it can be changed, people should be feeling so much hatre, there should be love and underdtanding instead of hate Although this poem makes me sad, it also make me feel as if other people also notice what i happening to us
Wonderful poem. You had a good choice of words plus a good ryming scheme. It represents what we ignored as children and what we know as adults. As well as what some people feel. The two stanzas make it stand out perfectly. Good job.
I won't give a negative b/c I didn't hate it and I have no reason to bash it. But I can say I liked these lines here, "marching through a seaside's breath...my deficient heart is crying" I can follow that along with the line about praising death b/c life can't always be praised, it seems more people remember you in your life then in your death. isn't that the strangest thing, to me it seems if you killed yourself you would make your mark, I'm not saying that I am for suicide, but what I am saying is that it appears more people will morn your loss instead of looking at what you tried to prove to them in your life...and I got all this from your poem...weird huh?
Hey, you read and commented on pt. 1 of my Seaside Suicide, it would be cool if you could read pt. 2.. theres gonna be about 5 pts but i won't bug you about all five heh
Bruno
ya dont have too ya know.. thanks if ya do or if ya don't! thanks..
this is a very thoughtfull poem. it really makes you think about child hood igorance and they bliss that it brought. but this pice would deffinatly open the eyes of many people that i know. it is well written and i rymes! i love it when thing s ryme... but sadly i cannot... but i love this poem! ~Shadow
Submission Name: Seaside Suicide pt. 1
