On Your Floor by Thornful Rose

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Submission Name: On Your Floor dots

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Author:	Thornful Rose
ASL Info:	23-female-California
Elite Ratio:	3.74 - 136/183/41
Words:	148

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	502
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1057

Description:
This poem paints an image of what commotion and craziness goes through a lovers head.

On Your Floor dots

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My head is spinning,
from the other night on your floor.
My back is a little raw,
but I so crave for more.
My mind is distant,
repressing previously caused pain.
My intelligence is weakening,
I am going insane.

Who knows who is there tonight.

My thoughts are swimming,
with the image of your name.
My lips are trembeling,
as they whisper he's the same.
My legs are wrapped,
around your thrusting hips.
My dreams are a mere illusion,
resembeling a comic strip.

Who knows who is there tonight.
On your floor.

My paitence is wearing,
a thin coat out in the hail.
My Hope is boundless,
creating love it's own jail.
My relationship is exclusive,
while yours sings a different song.
My desire is overwhelming,
driving down a road called wrong.

Who knows who's there tonight.
On your floor.
Not me.

Submitted on 2004-08-20 18:54:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I didn't read your description prior to the piece, i never do, that way i think what i want and give a comment, then i read the description. I knew perfectly well what you meant by this piece, and i know that feeling. Liek your used for thrills for a night, then who knows who your love is f.ucking the next night. Such a twisted world we live in. Good piece either way, some parts were better than others, and i think i find the last stanza the best.
| Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, thanks for your comment on 'The storytellers'. I'll be sure to read more of your work, but for now, I read "On Your Floor".
You had me captivated with every single word. I loved the repetition of:
"who knows who is there tonight
on your floor" for dramatic effect - and depicts you constant insecurity about who he is with. I think this will be the first piece on my favourites list.
| Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by Leila | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this write! You did a great job of expressing a "touchy" subject in a very tactful, intelligent way. I like the fact that you were able to express such a kind of passion w/o being "raunchy"... good job!

chichona
| Posted on 2004-08-20 00:00:00 | by chichonaloca24 | [ Reply to This ]
  Plenty of imagery in this poem. I liked how you formated your poem so that the reader slowly gains understanding of how you feel instead of thrusting them upon the reader. Who says one night stands are emotionless?
Aken Sol
| Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that the rhyming really hindered this piece. It feels forced, the way you manipulated the words to fit in with the scheme. I guess I mighta turned into a freeverse junkie or something....and example of that is;
"My paitence is wearing,
a thin coat out in the hail.
My Hope is boundless,
creating love it's own jail."

For a start... wearing a thin coat, any reference to cold would fit that but I don't like "hail". It just seems like you're grasping to keep your rhyme scheme. how about..
Patience is wearing
a thin coat in the rain,
but hope is boundless
beyond the realm of pain"?

The repetition of "my" all the time makes each sentence sound the same as the one before. I think that the idea of the poem is very good... for some reason I kept seeing a girl with splinters in her back, like this guy was the selfish kind of fecker who doesn't give a [censored] about his partner, and just wants to get laid.

So, I think it could be better, but it's a good try.
| Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  hey! allright, no one writes about sex! i liked it. yeah, there is a raw animilistic nature to sex, no matter how hard you try to take it slow, it always ends up hard, and good. sorry, kind of went off there. anyway, good piece ma'am, it's sad too- but in the end, you're better off to stay away anyway.
| Posted on 2004-08-27 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]

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