Seaside Suicide pt. 3 by brunov68

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Submission Name: Seaside Suicide pt. 3 dots

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Author:	brunov68
ASL Info:	22/M/Toronto
Elite Ratio:	4.34 - 311/320/30
Words:	102

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	413
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	704

Description:
I think the story is going ok. Not so much the content, but more the telling of it. Hope I'm not completely wrong. Please share any thoughts.

Seaside Suicide pt. 3 dots

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Mind distressed, heart in pain,
filled with misery, almost sane,
I commenced to explain:
"I would no longer carry on.
Never meant to make you blear
but you happened to be here
begging, praying while you tear
forget I happened, please begone.
Turn around and leave forever
the cursed bridge we stand upon."

I had never been blessed with seeing
an angelic human being,
gorgeous, divine and so appealing,
carelessly i lost my train of thought.
By her beauty I was enchanted,
her delight was far from tainted
then and there I was contented,
yet my woes were kept in taut.

Submitted on 2004-08-21 19:30:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  what is "blear" cause i seriausly dont think its a word. hmm like the others this was ok. and thats about all i can say on it.
| Posted on 2004-09-17 00:00:00 | by wretched_muse | [ Reply to This ]
  ...and what have YOU been up to in brasil that i haven't been aware of bru?

bad boy, but good poem. you've come a long way since the first few i've read, and i need to watch my back now i think... you're becoming competition.
| Posted on 2004-09-17 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
  i'm guessing this is from cheating husband to wife right?i was trying to fit the pieces together. in the first part he left the other woman? it's beautifully written even tho i'm not exactly sure if i got it. the quoted part in the beginning is stunning. i love it. keep up the good work. i'll b stalking you! lol
Star
| Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
  praying while you tear
forget I happened, please begone.
Turn around and leave forever
the cursed bridge we stand upon."

I had never been blessed with seeing
an angelic human being
gorgeous, divine and so appealing,

I liked these lines because it puts in quotes what you feel and it also gives your perspective on the lines after when it says that you never say an angel...so you are comparing her beauty to an angel's and for that one moment you are frozen your saddness is put in a box so that you can gaze upon this beauty
| Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]
  sorry but I just could not read it. it is just to deep of a poem for me right now don;t even know why I'm even writting this at all , Im sure it is just fine begins good enough but it disoe not make me want to read it even though I am not in the mood to hear anything like it any ways I would say work on writting a opening paragraph that will grab the reader and say "you have to see the rest of this"
you have a nice one now.
| Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by slybee22 | [ Reply to This ]
  the rhyme scheme in the first is pretty good, then at the end - that's the only thing that threw me a bit, the off-and-on rhyme scheme. maybe it was meant to stop as the narrator's train of thought is lost as well, in which case ok, maybe space it out or something? i dunno. anyway, i've read the others, and on the whole i'd have to say i like the series, and now that i've read this one, i want to read the next.
| Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  Again love the lines and your usage of words. A great structure and great use of ryming. Just like the first two. They stand out in my mind.
| Posted on 2004-08-22 00:00:00 | by smiling death | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked the lines where you talk about how she was sitting there beggin you and crying. it is a veryy interesting wording. i like it even if it is a round about way. but there are some lines that were kinda short and cut off. "Turn around and leave forever
the cursed bridge we stand upon" it is all righ but you might want to leave out the upon to make the rymthem better,
~Shadow
| Posted on 2004-08-26 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]

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