Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Off The August Pavementdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyInRed88
    ASL Info:    19/f/MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 131/180/32
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1220
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 993



    Description:
       It speaks for itself, really... Let me know what you think, and if you've ever felt this way.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOff The August Pavementdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Peel my heart off the August pavement,
    But please don't dust the footprints off for me.
    Love, did you ever hear me crying?
    Did you ever see me bleed,
    As you drug away my laughter,
    And stomped on all my dreams?

    I feel worn out and tattered...
    Like a rug no longer worthy of your floor.
    So beat me against the walls of your jagged mind,
    And place me as a mat outside your door.
    Please know your beautiful stabbing words please me-
    And don't worry, I will not ask for more...

    I won't ask for you to stay, Love,
    After this I won't ask for anything...
    I'm just begging you to finish what you've started,
    For I've come to love the pain.
    I really love the pieces of me upon your soles,
    I adore the darkness that you bring.
    Please just peel my heart my heart of the August pavement,
    And break me once again.




    Submitted on 2004-08-23 10:44:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you have some spelling errors, but besides that I enjoyed it, i wish I could have come up with something like that "pull my heart off the August pavement" that nags at me a little, because I liked it...I can not tell a lie, at least when it comes to poetry
    | Posted on 2004-08-23 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]
      it comes across to me like you are a sucker for punishment or you just like being victimized.i always take these poems as if someone is presenting something real about their lives.if this is about your life you really ought to be changing your mind about things and moving on.it was an interesting poem nevertheless.
    | Posted on 2004-08-23 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I really like this piece. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about...I sorta felt like that a long time ago. I afree with Brwnsknsam; I love the imagery in "Peel me off the August pavement" It's so descriptive and it sounds really good. And when you mentioned the footprints, it really brought out the heartbreak. Great work.
    | Posted on 2004-08-23 00:00:00 | by Checkered Cow | [ Reply to This ]
      I know a lot of women who seem to return to the men that abuse them. What is it with you guys? How can you be atracted to such a piece of *self censored and rather long list of expletives*! Kick the miserable wretch in the @#%^'s and get a real man and learn what real love means for heaven's sake. I hold women who remain in such situations in as much disdain as the men they cling to.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      you are writing on a cliché first off. Thats a tough sell no matter what. Because what that means is that from jump people are already stereotyping your piece as something they have heard before and are well passed tired of. So here is the challenge. How do you take this worn out subject matter and make it personal, heart wrenching, spell binding, and unique unto yourself.

    Suggestions for perfection:

    1) You have a chance to use really interesting words here. try finding new ways to say things like "love" and other words that might be really overused in poetry.

    2) Avoid repetition so much. The reference to yourself in the form of "I" "me" or "my" is used no less than 18 times in this poem. Your piece only has 20 lines so i mean you get the picture right. Try to work on that.

    example:

    So beat it clean against the walls of your jagged mind,
    And place that mat outside your door.
    Please know those beautiful stabbing words console me-
    Don't worry, I will not ask for more...

    the above is a hypthetical way to change part of your piece in an effort to take out som many references to youreself. Just avoid comprimising the integrity of the piece when trying to do this kind of thing.


    Thats about it for me, whether this advice is taken or not good luck with all you write.

    P.S. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO ME WITH A "THANKS FOR" COMMENT. INSTEAD USE THAT TIME TO COMMENT ON SOMEONE ELSES WORK, MINE OR ANYONES. YOUR TIME WOULD BE BETTER SPENT AND MORE APPRECIATED.


    PEACE,
    FIZZLE
    | Posted on 2004-08-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    21761

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry