[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Moments Encased In Icedots

    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 329
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1150
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2042

       Ahhh! title wouldn't fit!
    Well, a description you ask? Hmmm... this one, once again, is pretty self -explanatory. Tell me what you think!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMoments Encased In Icedots

    Moments Encased In Ice, Must They Quickly Thaw?

    Excuse me ma’am,
    Do you think you’d mind
    And would you be so kind
    As to allow me to freeze this moment?

    Intertwined with ice
    And lost in your eyes
    Is where I want to be.
    But this clock on my wrist,
    It defies me of my wishes;
    It threatens to let this slip away from me.

    How is it that the moments
    We most greatly long for
    Become the moments
    That we most greatly miss
    Much faster than we would like them to?
    Why must fate take these hopes
    And smash them into so many shards
    Upon this winding sidewalk?

    I climb to this orbit
    And attempt to hold back the planets,
    These wanderers that point to my departure.
    They follow me throughout the day,
    Refusing to move when I am without you.
    Yet, when we are together
    They seem to awaken,
    Seeming to spin with a renewed fervor
    And to enjoy the game they play.
    Do they know that I hate them
    For what they have done to me?
    Do they know that they have robbed me
    Of the very thing I need to breathe?
    They have stolen the oxygen from my lungs
    And the beat from my heart.

    They have stolen my moments with you.

    Oh how I wish
    That moments like these
    Could be encased in ice.
    Then me and you
    Could be together,
    Locked in each other’s arms
    And I could be lost in your eyes.

    But here comes the sun,
    Time is my enemy,
    And you say that you must be leaving.
    So quickly the moment thaws
    And I’m left with nothing in my arms
    But the promise to see you soon.

    That promise alone
    Will fuel my veins
    And keep me breathing
    Another day.
    So, until then, my darling,
    Know that I am waiting
    And always will be.

    Submitted on 2004-08-23 20:06:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I actually like this, though it's not usually my "cup of tea." I think you've done a good job of capturing a feeling that everyone experiences and a wish that has yet to be granted. I think you should break up the fourth stanza to streamline the piece, but it's really good as it is.
    | Posted on 2004-08-23 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      what a write! You got it perfectly, the ice symbolism just does it all for you. beautiful sentimate too. I almost felt like crying. There could have been a little more organization, rhyme, something to make it flow off the lips like... well poetry. All in all, brilliant.
    | Posted on 2004-08-23 00:00:00 | by ariadne | [ Reply to This ]
      normally I don't advertise my work in a comment but just yesterday I submitted a poem that deals with the same idea. only mine is way shorter. but it expresses the same wish. anyway your poem is really good. I like it. there's only one little thing I would change:
    the line 'And you say that you must be leaving' sounds better for me as '...you have to leave'. but that's just me.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      This really good. I can relate to moments like that, as I think everyone probably can. You expressed the wish very well. It was an enjoyable read, but at the same time awakened those longings that you wrote about. Nice job.
    | Posted on 2004-08-29 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]