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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ailing Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 966
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 346



    Description:
       This is a piece about when you love someone but they are unemotional and it kills the other. I am not sure how i feel about this piece, hopefully you all will let me know. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAiling Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am confined by your indifference
    my heart pumps slower as it sinks
    into your unemotional quick sand.

    My breaths are coming to a slow end
    I am suffocating from your lack
    of affection to what stands before you.

    I am dying because I gave you
    all of me but you did nothing with it.




    Submitted on 2004-08-24 02:44:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      If I could I would give you a hug. As far as the feeling, I personally feel regret and hurt. Along with dishing out this sort of cold shoulder I've also had it thrown my way.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by Primal | [ Reply to This ]
      There is no lack of imagination and clever word play here. The problem in the sound of the write is one of "The Victim." It reads as if the subject is entirely at fault for the writer's anguish, when it is possible the entire thing is in the writer's power to avoid or end.

    It has been my personal experience that blame is never a one way street where two humans are concerned.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Perhaps a change of voice would jump start this poem. Instead of you/me, take it to he/she and see if it doesn't add some drama in place of what could be perceived as whining.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      this sounds pretty personal. I guess thats kind of a stupid thing to say though if someone writes something then of course it's personal. Is love given but not returned really love? Thats what I wonder. I don't know the answer to that. In this poem there is someone "loving" someone else but that love is not returned. So what does that make this love. Does it make it the kind of love you have for a television program or a good book? The kind of love that is only one way. Is that really love, or is that a novelty obsession. I don't know. I guess it all depends on the circumstances. I do believe that 2 people loving each other is different than one person loving someone who does not love back. I mean the love itself is different. By it's very nature. Like a flower that cannot bloom.

    On your piece. Anything that can get me to think so much (yes now the gray thing hurts, take the bad words away!) is pretty good. I think I might have said this before but I really believe you have a talent for saying alot with just a few words. It really is of some regard.
    | Posted on 2004-08-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      I admit I'm guilty of this. Probably let some beautiful souls get away in this manner. I'm sorry...

    See what this piece does to me.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by Primal | [ Reply to This ]


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