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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pressure dropdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 625
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 405



    Description:
       yeah this is somehting I spewed out a while ago, I dunno, I think its garbage feel free to rip it to shreds.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPressure dropdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shutdown the valves
    Let the pressure drop
    The waiver is signed
    Pull the plug

    Respiration slowing
    Closed eyes
    Faint voice
    Dried tears

    No medication
    To ease the pain
    No family
    Watching silently

    No goodbyes
    Or tears
    The chapter ends
    And the story
    is just beginning




    Submitted on 2004-08-24 16:39:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this piece has the heart and potential of something good. I will say that some of the wording is cliché', but I think you could reword it easily. The last two lines should be rephrased or omitted. In the second stanza, how about:
    Respiration Slows
    as eyes close
    and voice grows faint.

    I think you should remedy the repetition about tears. I also think you could do without the last three lines of the last stanza.
    I hope you do revisit and revise this piece, and I hope I didn't do too much of a bashing, because that was not my intent.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      sometimes this is how i feel...it describes me to a tee, actually...with eating disorders you get so zoned out from not eating, i can barely pay attention to things that is...and its like, i'm still alive and whatever, but i'm not here...llike in this Radiohead song, How to Disappear Completely: "i'm not here, this isn't happening". my story's been beginning for soooo long, tho, that's why i like the ending when i usually wouldn't. so thats a good thing, file that under "compliments", my dear. i could bash it, but its too familiar for me! i think the way it sounds like Kevorkian-esque makes me a lil tiny bit edgy...like oh, god, ya know...but other than that, it seems like somethin i think to myself everyday, just worded differently! ~april
    | Posted on 2004-08-25 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]


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