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    dots Submission Name: Farewelldots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Misc/Sorry
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 989

       this is a piece I wrote to my ex g/f (my first true love) very hard time when it ended...alot of pain on both sides.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    close your eyes
    once more
    tomorrow shall come
    and I'll be gone

    rest your heart
    forget my name
    I mean you no harm

    cigarrette in hand
    the cars packed
    house up for sale
    when the night is through
    I'll be gone

    close your eyes
    know the nightmares over
    tomorrow's almost here

    the man you knew is dead
    he cant hurt you
    no never again
    let him rest in peace

    the sun rises
    no more words
    I hope my voice doesnt
    echo in your ears

    close your eyes
    I'm sorry
    you saw whats inside-
    for the pain-
    for the time you wasted-
    sorry that I dont think
    you'll believe me to be sincere

    Keys in the ingnition
    cds already playing
    the sun rises
    I hope you find peace

    Submitted on 2004-08-24 16:47:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is very sad... well... I have a strange feeling you really moved into the shadow (concerning your relationship), and since I don't know the story, and I'm not supposed to, I cannot state anything. The flow is nice, structure is simple, but the poem is not direct, so still a bit challenging for a reader. And very sad - I guess I know how you feel. Well written. Greg
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      The first impression that came to my mind was - "Take a fast car and keep on driving"... On the first read, it felt like I was tripping over some lines but after a couple of more reads, a more together picture arose. There are some goodbyes you can never really say goodbye to, can you?
    | Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      This was quite interesting. I wasn't too into the whole flow of it though. I've never been too good with poems like these so I suppose that's why. -Megan-
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by PolaroidMemory | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow of this piece is somewhat broken up, but I think it is appropriate for what this piece is about. Although your sincerity is questioned in the end, I sense genuine pain in the words. I see actions done to numb the pain and eventually become detached. thanx for sharing this. I can't add any suggestions for change, because I believe you've accomplished what you desire, but if you'd like, I'll revisit this if you give me specifics of any advice you desire.
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it extremealy, it has a very powerful voice behind it, and It's just, wow. keep on going,it's great. They can really feel where you are comming from, and how you're feeling, and I would just suggest, to anyone who says they don't like it, just tell them my quote, "There a lemon over there, see it, if you don't like it, you can hump it."

    | Posted on 2004-08-25 00:00:00 | by Monkey | [ Reply to This ]
      this feels somehow simultaneously personal and not.. at the same time.. does that make sense? it's like on the one hand i feel like i'm reading something i shouldnt and on the other it's like because i can relate to it.. it feels like something i could have written.

    i love the images you use of the packed car.. driving away.. makes it feel like there's such a long journey ahead of you... and when a relationship has just ended.. that's exactly what it feels like. that road stretches out before you and you feel like you'll never reach a destination.. and you dont even know where you want to go anymore.
    | Posted on 2004-08-25 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      forget my name...thats funny, i tell that to guys i first meet...they somehow manage to get deeply attached or attracted to me because i'm "strange" or different or somethin else that has to do with my writing...and i tell them, forget about me...i also like the line "rest your heart"...its like that old saying rest your head, which is what i expected, but its not what i expected, ya know? its in a good way...it makes me feel a really strange thing...like in a way i cannot tell if you are glad to be out of this girls life or if you want her to sincerely forget you...it almost is too painful for me to see the fine line. but thats what makes true feeling in writing. the writer's pain. and i see it really here...this one is different. its sad. but in a necessary way. love and daisies...~april
    | Posted on 2004-08-25 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]

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