ok once agen im goin to start off by sayin i love your work.. jus wish you had some more stuff up for me to read.. but this poem it reminded me off seein my best frend in the hospital as he screamd at everyone cuz he was so scared he didnt want ne one near him.. he ended up dying n i didnt even get to say goodbye..
Well, that anyone could NOT like your poetry/lyrical stylings still blows my mind. I am convinced that you have something great in store for you, with these beautiful yet, dark lyrics. You truly have a gift and I can only stand in awe... Don't let the critics get you down... I can SO relate, and it seems that nice guys really DO finish last... alas, Fate is cruel to those who fall in Love... Virgil
A guy I love, used to love, sort of still do, calls me kiddo. I'm not kidding either. He's 18 and I'm 16 so he still calls me kiddo because I'm in school. Once, during a serious conversation he called me Kidd, but only once. This hit home in many ways, not just the kiddo part. Great write. -blt
i enjoyed this. it shows a different perspective on this topic, other than the same ol' bullsh*t like. i love the strong, forceful lyrics. the only thing that threw me off was the 'kiddo' thing, because to me it just doesnt seem to fit into the vibe that i get from the other words. but i still like it. good write.
I don't care what they said, I loved it, and I loved how you used the same basic line, "as the needle breaks the skin, I remember, God I remember", that said a whole hell of a lot, just in itself, and I dont' think it needs anywork, I like it just as it is, and WOW. That's WOW. I might not be to old in age, but I know poems, I've been here a while, not on this site, but when all your friends were either killed by their parents, or they're violance, and sexually abuse, you learn to deal with things, you learn to listen to things, even if you don't want to, because everyone needs someone there, and I'm usualy the one that everyone goes, but, where am I supposed to go?
this is great... i love the honesty of it all.. using lines like "god i remember" make it sound almost as though you're talking to yourself and we just happen to be there in the background listening..
"My aspirations are asthmatic" is a line of pure genius. and the last stanza has such a lingering effect.. like everything just stops for a moment and it sinks in.
i'm not sure how i feel about the use of 'kiddo'.. on the one hand it gives us a very clear impression of how you perceive her.. and it's almost as though you're looking down on her for her choice. if that was your intention.. well then it works great.
but you didnt have to censor yourself like that though.. i dont think that people at this site are that sensitive
Dude, this one was radical. I write a lot of lyrics myself, and a lot of em' really stink, this one blows all of mine out the window. I gotta say, the whole 'kiddo' thing, i liked. I agree with most of these other comments for the most part. I really don't think this needs a ton of revision, maybe not any. Anyway, rock on man.
hey listen to this, and listen pretty damn carefully. dont change this piece, dont change your writing, dont change the way that you feel about her. it's turn around man, dont give up just be there, when she needs it. i know the feeling, take care bro. austin
This is so pretty, the emotion is so filling and can give you so much to why this poem was written. The "Kiddo" part threw everything off, it just didn't fit right. But other then that the poem was perfect and you never need to change it.
i agree, i don't exactly understand the "kiddo" part of it. other than that, i think it's beautiful. (sigh) nice guys finish last man... why anyone would want a jerk for a boyfriend, i don't understand... you can't change how you feel, and you know what? you shouldn't. good job
The chick doesn't seem that much worth all the trouble, mang. If she was smart, she'd dump the current boyfriend for you right? But she didn't. Besides, what kind of chick doesn't like a musician? She must be pretty messed up (no offense if you're still digging her though).
Then again, maybe if I were you I'd keep her around. After all, one needs some kind of inspiration to crank out good tunes like the one above. ~Aaron
wow... goodness... i feel your pain... i dont know what kinda sound you are going for with this song but all i could hear was Bob Dylan singing/pining away (which is a compliment i hope you realise...) and yeah... i dunno about the kiddo thing... it kinda works but it could almost be patronising...ya know? but then its not... then its completely a term of endearment. one kinda gets the feeling that your singing this regardless of who is listening coz almost if she aint listening then who gives a rip who actually is... anyway... im sorry your hurt so bad by her... seems like she dont know a good thing when she sees one... good luck with everything