Summoned, I stepped inside the shadow
Looked around and there you are…
Sprawled, unmoving, with suspended
Eyes that are lost afar
So beyond yourself with pain
That reflected in those eyes I see
A bleed running immeasurably deep
Three futures sacrificed for me
Such frailty wrapped in a single sheet
A helpless position that choked my soul
Cringing over harmless shadows that leap
Disappearing seems to be your lustful goal
Black are these eyes that refuse to
Hold those secrets none will ever miss
Darker still are the hands that aren’t soft enough
To grace your skin a reassuring kiss
Sinking to the flood concealed
Behind my eyes, in your own I saw
Heavy lids laden with trials and
Tears still fresh and raw
Ruffled linen sheets scraping my ear
Struggling within this shadow to utter a word,
Wishing to cry, that I could deny, that
A touch from me is one of a bloodied sword.
So I stand afar lame and shrouded
Unable to reach out and roll fortune’s dice
Instead I offer both hands to catch your tears
In a bottle labeled ‘Yesterday’s Ties,’ so
Send for me whenever you grieve, for
Each time you call I glimpse a shade,
Of lighter smiles, of an open heart
Softening me to a duller blade.
| Wow it blew my mind and touched my heart and then it kind of frieghtened me as well. It truely captures a ton of emotion then holds on till the end. It is truly sad but some how very championing. It seems to me that if you can so clearly write about such intensity then you come out on top no matter the hurt you have been exposed too. And from someone so young.|
Good for you it shows you were meant to write.
Thank You for the pleasure
|| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by k.o.malley | [ Reply to This ] || It sad, yes. All i can say is that its nice. Doesnt really attract my eye. You make it sound like you are sad. cheer up and make a better poem with happiness.||| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ] || I love your writing! The way every little word is carefully chosen and placed! Although, I wish you wouldnt have to expierence such sorrow. I can tell that this particular piece took a lot of thought and emotion. Im going to need to talk to you though...im not the best at interpreting. One particular line is "soften me a duller blade". I dont believe i will ever be as good a writer as you, but hopefully i will always be with you to read your works! I enjoy you sharing your feeling and emotion...even if sometimes i dont understand it. hahaha. I wish that you would be graced with happier emotions and thoughts to write about! A majority of you poetry describes of dark days. I would be happy to see one with a blue sky! Love you babe! keep writing! Love-Olah||| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ] || This is one of the more deep and beautifully written peices I have come across on here. The line "a bleed running immesurably deep" effected me some how. You should be proud of this one...|
|| Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ] || wow. interesting. freekin great. sorrie. lol. do u mind if i add it to my favorites list? i would love to do that. i think that your description of the words in that piece are just captivating. how you use imagery and just every style of writing and beyond. the flow of it was kind of hard to grasp at first but then things got rolling and i just loved to read it. i read it a couple times over actually. lolz. great write. please keep it up. let me know when you add something new. i would love to be one of the first to read it. thanks so much for posting this piece. it really does mean something to me when i find someone as talented as you. Nice work.|
Fly with feelings not with drugs
|| Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by PookiezBookie | [ Reply to This ] || Hehehe, Siven7 commenting on a poem by Suven7, that's kind of clever... where did your name come from? I'm quite intrigued!|
Anyways, this is a dynamite work, you've clearly put A LOT of thought into this - the images are so deep and so intense that they perfectly fit what you're trying to say - particularly the images of the knife, the blood, and the reoccurance of the colour black. I really love the images of helplessness and frailty that you've chosen: wrapped around a sheet (which anyone could easily get out of, except the protagonist in the story, so helpless) and being at sword-point.
The form baffles me a little bit, but I think I sort of get it. The first stanza is the introduction, the second is the feeling of helplessness, the third is reaching out to the protagonist's love and then the fourth is the final reassurance of frailty... am I even remotely close??
On the critical side, there are some issues with flow - watch your metre and beats in the line, if you line them up into a pattern (4 beats to a line, for example) then the poem shall flow beautifully. That's about all that I've got to comment on, you've done a stellar work!
Great job! Keep it up! And hey, let me know where your name came from - mine is from Siven (a character for this huge project I'm working on), and then "7" kind of rhymes with Siven... lol! Good job with the work!
|| Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by Siven7 | [ Reply to This ] || So intense... I felt the overwhelming weight on me as if it had been me! So much to take in... I feel that pain so keenly in you as I so often feel in myself. Darker times... |
My favorite part were the last two lines, a kind of redemption statement that, if absent, would've completely enveloped your experience in blackness. It's good that you have that little flicker of light at the end.
My only point of confusion is the "three futures sacrificed for me". It's poetically lovely, but I can't quite connect with the meaning. What were your intentions as you wrote that part?
Overall, pretty awesome, very moving. I'm definitely adding this as a favorite!
|| Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ] || you are a true visual poet of the mind. Your writing can swoop people to a sad land and get them lost. i only hope that you can write happy ones too.||| Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Medieval Aztec | [ Reply to This ] || This is very deep and well-written. It brings up an amazing picture and one that I definitely enjoyed. My favorite line was|
"Each time you call I glimpse a shade,
Of lighter smiles, of an open heart
Softening me to a duller blade."
This is an amazing and original description. Love it. I would work on the rhyming on the first four lines of the second block-thingy, it doesn't seem to flow as well, but the rest is great.
|| Posted on 2004-09-21 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ] || Such depth and soul at such a young age. This piece really moved me. You paint with such sadness one can only imagine how you will write as you get older. I'm putting this on my favs.||| Posted on 2004-09-17 00:00:00 | by Pogirl | [ Reply to This ] || this is one of the coolest poems i've read so far..It's so sad..I can feel the lamentation oozing out of it... wow...you're are definitly a great writer and I look forward to seeing more from you... ~Jeremy A. Clark~||| Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by J. A. Clark | [ Reply to This ] || well this is very deep and full of sad ness. i think that it was great. i am deeply sorry if this is happening around you. best wishes. and good luck. good write lia ||| Posted on 2004-08-26 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ] || I love much of your work, and this one stands out even among them. The pain you felt that day and the horror are displayed so subtlely and artisticly. |
The lines "A bleed running immeasurably deep/Three futures sacrificed for me" and " Softening me to a duller blade." especially stand out.
I think the way you captured the helpless feeling we all have at some point is very good, also.
The lines were a bit awkward at some points, but the way you rhymed only two lines for each stanza was very unique. Keep us the good work and good bless.
|| Posted on 2004-08-26 00:00:00 | by Ari Leukos | [ Reply to This ] || It truly upsets me that deep and beautifully written pieces such as this get passed by. The language and longing of this piece are so compelling. I think you are 40 years old or more, and you're fibbing to us about your age, because this piece speaks with so much experience and insight. I am truly impressed. I can only see one small part that I would suggest changing. "A bleed running ..." I'm not sure if that is the correct description medically, but I get it. I'm not sure what could replace it though. A cut, a scar, a wound... I don't think any of those capture what you are trying to get across, so I guess it should stay as is.|
Very nice work.
|| Posted on 2004-08-29 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ] |