I really liked the metaphorical way that you wrote this. I can relate to some of the feelings that you were expressing, and to those which I could not, I could still feel what you were trying to convey. The beach setting which you have created is one that I can picture when I close my eyes. Again, this is an awesome poem and keep on writing.
I remember this piece. It was amongst the first nominated for a feather, but it went up against Phil Askew and DeadnDreaming. There was a lot said about this, and it was all good.
I really don't think that there is anything much to be done with it. I think to tidy up the rhyme would be good, but the actual choice of words to rhyme with was good. The imagery is very good; you've heard me going on about abractions, things that don't make sense but sound really good? Like..."tears of fire scorch my soul"? Well, an abstraction is something that doesn't make sense. You poem is an example of how things can sound good, and be unusual description, but not abstract; you have ELAINED how your tears are a sea; how your happiness is dead and black, why you chose to make a comparison between shells and laughter. I really like, by the way, the idea of something like loving thoughts as sharp and jagged. Something that is enough to cut through misery.
*What I'd change, to make it go better; Make the I in "i'd"s (L2 and L4) capital. At such an early point in your poem, appearance is everything. *have a look at the metre of your stanzas. The rhyme won't flow well when the lines aren't equal lengths. Stanza one is good, with 9-6-9-7. A syllable here and there can be less or more, as above. But S2: My tears have gathered along the shore =9 to create a salty sea=7 that thrives on broken promises and love-10 but not for me.=4 I'm not going to scan the rest of it. You will need to do that yourself. Just count the syllables on each line. You don't need to change the rhymed words or even the idea; usually it's an idea to look the line breaks (enjambment) to figure out a smoother flow. * The punctuation in S4 is a bit confused. I think removing the period on L1, and replacing the semi colon with a comma on L2 to use the semi-colon on L3 would be more streamlined. I think that stanza is very smooth though. I like the transition of your rhyme. *In S5 it's going well... great colour. But I don't like "the sun's a darkened hue". That is very telly and doesn't fit with what you've said, and I feel that it is the strongest "forced" rhyme in this piece. *But "the wind's a constant stare" isn't really doing it for me; that IS abstract, as the wind cannot see, so cannot stare.
But that's all I've got. I think you've done really well with this; I remembered it as soon as I read line one, and liked it then, and I like it now. It's very colourful, and it's a novel idea that has been handled well. There isn't much more to be done, beso. Might be time to just put this one to bed, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. take it easy, Lea
Well if its any concession our lonely moments are usually our deepest ... I liked reading this. sometimes it is difficult to concentrate on what others write but I found this so readable. I like how you strike all the things we find on beaches as metphors. Seems like lots of other people liked reading this too. Looks like you're not lonely anymoe I guess ...
Wonderful use of a conceit. A couple of little things; when I was reading it out loud, I accidentally read "So shattered and well hidden/ that they scarce can be seen" instead of what you have, and I kinda think it sounds better. But that's just me. To retain parallel structure, you might want to say "my sky would be as gray as stones,/the sun a darkened hue." The line "and the people that aren't there" feels a bit awkward. Maybe "the people no longer there" would work better? And lastly, the repetition of "and" at the beginning of the last two lines threw me off. Changing the second "and" to "of" might work. But yeah, these are all my musings, take them with a pinch of salt. It is your poem, after all. Hope that helped! *amrita*
wow. not that you need nemore comments. lolz. i just thought i would like to say a few thoughts that i had about this piece.
I think that it is very good. I like the way that you described the ideas put into it. Not a lot of people can do that.
Another thing that I would like to say is that, I think that your style is awesome! I think that a lot of your stuff is depressing though. Not a stab at your writing in anyway. I just thought that I would say that. And maybe that is just your style? Who knows. I hope you dont take this harshly and just understand that it is critique only to have you strive to make better.
Maybe you can write a happy piece. Lol. I really do like your pieces though. I think that they are all good. Hopefully you get around to reading some of mine.
umm...this is really good, it seems like the begining of something more, you create a whole world for you lonieness...it would be intresting to have a poem about what you lonieness is...what it looks like and if it's a dog or a girl with blue hair...yeah i really like this...and i can't think of much good advice...but i really think it would be intresting to see more of this world...to see the person it houses...yeah, that might be a sh!t idea i don't know...flipside
You had some seriously amazing imagery going on there. The whole thing made me feel like I was in that fuzzy moment between awareness and sleep. Though it was difficult for me to pick a favourite stanza, because the entire thing was just a hunk of amazing, I'd have to choose;
"My tears have gathered along the shore to create a salty sea that thrives on broken promises and love- but not for me."
Really and honestly it was a wonderful piece and I absolutely loved every aspect of it. You made very good use of similies all throughout. Very, very good read !
I think there's still quite some room for improvement, the flow seems to be lacking as well in most stanzas. Since I'm bored I've been playing with a couple of them and I'd suggest the following changes to the following stanzas:
If empty thoughts were grains of sand a beach is where i'd dwell. My loneliness would build ten castles but I'd hide within a shell.
My tears gathered along the shore have formed a salty sea with waves of broken promises and love - though not for me.
Compassion's clouds are fading fast. The wind's a constant stare that blows among the long gone trees and friends no longer there.
If emotions kept inside of me became a raging storm, My castles would be left destroyed my shell without a form.
If empty thoughts were a grain of sand a beach is where i'd dwell. My loneliness would build ten castles where i'd hide within myself.
this just drew me right in! i love the way you compared everything at the beach as a part of your life; the shells, the sand, the clouds, the ocean itself... very vivid and beautiful descriptions. it is very sad, but there is a melancholy beauty to this write. (i am a fan of melancholy!) very well done!
I love this! It says so much, and it holds SO much emotion. I read all these poems that are over complicated, too much to take in, and although they are poetry, they arent for EVERYONE. This IS for everyone. Its written so well. I loved the 1st few stanzas the most. Particularly: The shells that form from bits of laughter are few and far between. So shattered and well hidden that they can scarce be seen. Good work, Im putting this under my favorites! -Andrya
Whoa... that was [censored]in awsome. i dont know what to say about this work of art. you have all this emotion built up and expressed in the exact wording that makes the reader feel as if they were there. this is the best poem ive seen in quite some time. i love this line, Compassion's clouds are fading fast. The wind's a constant stare that blows among the long gone trees and the people that aren't there. its just so... good. i wish i could write something like this. i will make shure to read more of your work. Great job!
I think that there are a few words you could eliminate to make this a bit better. there are quite a few clichés; some of them just phrases of speech i few and far bettween. I would chnage a grain of sand to grains. Thoughts is plural it seems to me that grain should be as well. "kingdom of the lonely -
if empty thoughts grains of sand A beach is where i'd dwell my loneliness building ten castles In which i hide within myself My tears gathering along the shore To create a salty sea that thrives on broken promises and love- but not for me Shells form from bits of laughter; Few and far between, Shattered and well hidden They can scarcely be seen Loving thoughts are jagged rocks happiness once was red but now my red is fading to black my happiness is dead if all the love lavished on me were brilliant Violet-blues My sky would be as gray as(specify) stones The sun's a darkened hue; Compassion's clouds are fading fast The wind's a constant stare blowing among the long gone trees and the people that aren't there if emotions kept inside of me became a raging storm my home would be destroyed and the shells would lose their form i'd drown within my bitter tears of hurt and lack of heart and dream of reds and violet-blues and empty thoughts from which we start
Those ar emy suggestions on how you might improve this the flow and rhyming are quite nice already all in all this is beautifully written. Thanks for your time. peace
This is honestly unbelievable. I wish I had half your skill at using metaphors and imagery the way you do. Besides that, your rythm is perfect, right on. This piece stands out from many of the other ES writings. It was without cliché, definitely unique. Neither too long nor too short, just the right size to satisfy the audience. Very tightly-knit, I imagine you put a lot of time and thought into this. It was well worth it, as this is a one-of-a-kind poem. Publish-worthy, if that's what you are going for. Top-notch work, I pray I'll see more like this on ES. Cheers!
WOW! this was great who are you and why are you here! your form of writingis magnificent and so original that i almost caved in on your poem it was so well written well i wish i had time to comment more but i have to go maybe tomarrow till then bye. Oh by the way can you please comment on my work its called "Rachel" it would be an honor if you could
this could've been better, but thats where individuality kicks in, because we are all imperfect. good 'un! i love the way your ideas start from scratch and build up a lofty skycraper. abstractly expressing what it is to be if i were thee hehe.
This was fantastic, and the best I've read in a long time in here. What a moving series of emotion that just kept hitting you in the heart. I wanted to take the guy by the throat for being so insensitive and cruel. For it must have been a man to make one feel so lonely! But I might be wrong. A very very nice poem I hope you get many good responces, for this deserves them.
WOW... What a wonderful piece. I agree with all said in the previous comment and want to congradulate you on your usage of such vivid imagery. This is really a great piece. I am going to add it to my favorites. Wonderful job. I only hope you like my poems as well. Keep up the great work and have a good weekend.
wow! welcome to the site! what a BRILLIANT note to start off on! this is gorgeous... very sad but so well written! i love how it starts and ends with empty thoughts and then i wonder how indeed a thought can be empty... its like trying to think about nothing and in doing so your thinking about thinking about nothing... ya know? but anyways... this is a very good write and your imagery is amazing... i really do like the first few lines most of all about thoughts being grains of sand that make sand castles to hide in... very well done! i look forward to reading more of yours!
Wow...this was great. Definately original. I love the way you compared your life/emotions to a beach and storms...Wonderfully done. Though it could be broken up into stanzas for an easier read. Really great tho, imma save as a fave if ya dont mind...
Wow! the first three stanzas are awesome. I like this, the content , the style. How did you come about with this. I like the associations with the features of nature,the sand, the salty sea,the shells. This is my favorite. Good write!