Description: my boyfriend of a year whom i (still) love broke up with me for my best friend. now he may want me back, but i wrote this. it's pretty close to true, and i know poems you really feel aren't as good than some fabrication, but i kind of had to right this one.
clarity on a nightstand. -------------------------------------------
she cut her hair to look like mine
bangs cut messy framing MY blue eyes
i hope it falls in the same way
listlessly slipping into some void between my bed and your heart
some folly to leave me alone, you clutching my thigh, telling me its how it has to be
oh thank god, you can take her away from me too
to leave the two people i loved to love one another
the moon looks less lustrious than i once remembered
my hand is getting cold, the beams leave it understated
my picture is gone from next to your bed
you people reading now think its some metaphorical phrase representing my teen angst
well it's fucking true
the rose garlands used to be an altar to my memory
now its her picture on your bedstand, you looking into her eyes as i talk to you over cordless phones
sobbing my insides to dirt, like how you see me
like how i could wish i saw you
the morning stars leave wake to me being single
laying alone with burnt cigarette marks climbing up my legs
pounding in my head, eyes swelled shut
so this is what it's like to be sixteen, and to love and not be loved in return.
And I thought that you had disappeared for good, but here you are. I find your poems some of the most satisfying to read. On this poem, I really felt empathetic to what it's like to be a sixteen year old girl who isn't loved in return. I think that part of the reason for that is because 16 year old girls aren't the only people who feel those things, but also you write with such a strong voice. A little prettying-up of the lines and what-not will make this more inviting, but it is already very powerful. When I was 16, well, let's just say that the things I wrote were completely made of crap.
Although this could use a little refining, I enjoyed it. I thought it made a strong impact to me because it was so full of emotion and truth. I know you said that you felt like you had to write this in order to vent, well I'm glad you did. I'm sorry that this happened. You have been put in a terrible sitation.
there is a lot of power in this poem. the anger is venomous but at the same time it's subtle... which is not easy to achieve with this theme.
i feel a bit awkward commenting on this as a poem as it is obvioulsy extremely personal.. but it's brimming with excellent imagery and lines that make you want to go back and read them over again. the last line in particular really stood out for me.
if you're looking for a critique i'd be happy to come back to the poem. if you're not then it is sufficient to say that this poem has left its mark.
Sorry to hear of your experience, and I hope you won't belittle yourself by taking this guy back. You may think all guys are like this and you might as well be with the one you "love" but this isn't acceptable, and there are lots of good fellows who will treat you as you should be treated. Now on to the poem, save these feelings and thoughts, and eventually, write a poem about someone else who's boyfriend or husband leaves them for the girls best friend. Then it will be a much stronger piece. Good luck, Dave
Submission Name: clarity on a nightstand.
