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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tin Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 871
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 595



    Description:
       It is a sad piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTin Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    How do I undo this pain
    I have locked it deep within me
    Lost the key to release the hurt
    I am now forever tainted and scared

    I have nothing but myself to blame
    Never dealt with what was handed
    In the palm of my hand, just closed
    My fingers on shards of glass
    Now I watch my blood drip
    Drip to the ground

    The tears keep on falling
    My heart slowly beating
    Each pump reminds me
    Of the emptiness within my chest
    I am nothing but a hollow body
    Just call me the Tin man




    Submitted on 2004-08-28 00:59:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have nothing but myself to blame
    Never dealt with what was handed
    In the palm of my hand, just closed
    My fingers on shards of glass

    i like these lines especially, admitting that you closed your hand to what was offered. was it the key? this reminds me of a friend of mine who wrote a song called Don't Cry For The Tinman...

    Don't cry for the Tinman
    He's feeling better now
    The Tinman gave his heart back
    And I wish I knew how...

    good work!
    | Posted on 2004-11-26 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      abslutely fabulous! the imagery was splendid and i especially liked
    "In the palm of my hand, just closed
    My fingers on shards of glass
    Now I watch my blood drip
    Drip to the ground"

    I wasn't sure where you were going with teh whole Tin Man thing, but it all came togteher at the end and it was beautiful.
    ummm I guess the thing about your heart pumping doesn't fit with the act that yoru chest is empty but maybe i'm being stupidadn not getting it.
    despite that, it was great piece.
    good work
    | Posted on 2004-08-28 00:00:00 | by Dead Weight | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it... My fav line is: "Never dealt with what was handed". I'm sure most of us can relate to that on some level. I enjoyed the contradiction of 'blood dripping', 'tears falling' and 'heart pumping' but still remaining 'hollow' inside... the proverbial 'tin man'... love it!
    | Posted on 2004-08-28 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      artistically I have nothing to criticise, but a couple of idea on the diction. In the first line,
    you really want to say "how do I undo"?
    Try it as "how can I undo" and say it aloud.
    Another place with a similar trip up for me is
    "what was handed in the palm of my hand"
    Try reading it as "was placed in the palm of my hand" and see if that sounds clearer.

    The last line of S1, did you mean scared is in full of fear, or scarred as in covered in scars? Either could work, just wanted to have you clarify in your own mind and check spelling, because you have the fear there, not the scar.

    later,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-08-28 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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