…Ayo? Isda Nong!
A young man’s voice,
Broken down as the sands
And shells she swept now from
The idly spaced floorboards,
Wary, she traipsed through them
To open the door
Though it was her raw eyes
…Bangus! Dyes pesos…
A young man’s call, evaporating
Into whispers as he circled
The air washed hut
Skirts enfolded about as the girl’s
Lower limbs rejected their position
Organs in turmoil, breathe quickly
For lungs that nagged to expand
The boy was only a fisherman!
Plastered in a skin of wasting jeans
Rolled up and a bundle of netting
Rested on ebony hair
A young man’s eyes
Gazed ‘lo her as a window
To the east was propped open
O, eyes that held other accounts
Of rapture than to bring her fish
In the early dawns
Such fair arches and fra-
Why, where was his shirt?!
Hounded by his Red-blooded frame
Surely in his pockets were twenty
Dead fish, he smelled of three whole
Catches, he stunk!
Startled as she realized the eyes
Were seeing her, confusing
Her frown into a wreathe of smile
And all the while her ears
Drummed a sonata of their own
A hand held outstretch to catch his words
The grace of his lips danced
And their means fluttered within her hold
Revolted by his charms
Birds unhinged from their perches
As the window was curtained to the east
The young man smiled
For he knew three open
| I have to admit that this one totally confused me at first and had to read it one more time in order to grasp the concept. Anyways..the way you portrayed this young man made me think of a really hot looking guy with 6 pack, farmer's tan and really amazing face and ragged jeans. Hahhha..that's awesome. Some people might not understand the sudden tagalog quotes but I know what you're talking about! YOu can't hide that from me. |
The ending is very clever and I'm sure a lot of ppl has said that already. It made me think of a romantic movie when you said the boy smiled for he knew there were 3 windows open in the east..or something along that line. :]
I dont quiet understand your structure per say cuz nothing here seemed to rhyme but it kinda made it cool because it's like you're telling a story and didn't try hard to sound like Dr. Seuss. ANyways,...I'm just another elite writer so who knows if I'm just blahbering about something I don't really know.
One more thing, I love how you described everything so clearly. I have a weird scene going through my head at the moment and the scene is very pleasant!
I love it!
|| Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ] || Abstract. Yet, not so much. In the the description you said, well, good luck in grasping that concept... well. I would research and ask for more information just so I could understand this poem. You could guess what it's about, but knowing you, you'd do someting like make it seems like one thing when really it is entirely different. But I can say that I really like it. I get the feeling that this girl is very innocent, mostly from "Why, where was his shirt?!" Um, that part. And just other things. I even have this iamge in my head...no, not of the young man missing his shirt, but of the floorboards, and the rest of the house that built itself with your words. |
|| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ] || yay! no more comments from mimi! my % is safe! i just did this on a poem so i lowered your % and raised mine! lol. anyways, you has like, 300% to spare.||| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ] || I can't say I understand this piece, but I like the style of it. There are moments that seem disjointed or awkward, but at this point, I think it is good as is. I like the tone and delivery of the piece. I'll have to come back to this one to extract the meaning. I enjoyed this :)||| Posted on 2004-09-05 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ] || i was looking though old poems and i came across this one, and my god. this is great. it has a very dark feel to it visually. As I read it (I re read it like four times) I got glimpses of birds and trees. It's been a long time since a poem has done that. |
there was a great mix of pleasure and regret, I think that stay true to every on night stand I've had. This is a beautiful piece.
|| Posted on 2004-08-29 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ] || Thank you for your comment on The Young Man. Also, for finding it cool enough to be one of your favorites! I'm very honored. |
This piece was the first attempt towards a broaders and lighter style. (The rest of my pieces rhymes). I'm gladdened to hear someone liked it! I was afraid at first if anyone would even understand what it was about.
It's one of those courting ordeals, the really shy ones between two young islanders. He he he. I hope you didn't read it as a one night stand... I tried to make it as light and innocent as possible.
...There's this boy, who inspires me- in all days.
|| Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ] |