Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Hushed...


Author: Suven7
ASL Info:    20 female Fla
Elite Ratio:    7.08 - 478 /260 /47
Words: 173
Class/Type: Story /Nostalgia
Total Views: 1398
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1130



Description:


Another island inspired stab out of the norm. It's a memory that I recall during peaceful nights of living with my grandparents- by the sea. Such beautiful nights! I wish I could take you there...instead I give you a piece of its memory.


Hushed...



She smelled garlic
The rough sleeping mat gnawed at her flesh
And cradling her head was a rice sack
Stuffed in cloth scraps
And all else besides soft feather,
Oddly, whiffs of hardships shoved her to sleep
Bold and numbing, an aura that clung
From the taut and severed mosquito nets
Mauled by insects beneath the rooftop,
Wounded seas hurled themselves
Over and again headfirst against the rocks
Immune ears would hear none of it
Hearing only the cooling cadence of twilight
Wreaths of garlic rode a pendulum air
Lola sensing it all, sighing with her guitar,
Old hands strumming a familiar song
Hailing all angels for a dance in the twilight
The girl was appeased but unknowing
Her questioning eyes were answered
By another stroke of a match
As Lolo lighted lamps, seven in all
The night grew sharper, a thousand
And more stars were defined, hovering as
They trod on something finer than sea
Than land and air- at twilight.







Submitted on 2004-08-30 02:06:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Very niice! I loved how this was very descriptive and could easily imagine the scene. The discription of "Wounded seas hurled themselves." I could easily imagine the noise of the ocean from my expierences on the beach. I loved this piece and could easily understand it. I know from your personal life what you were getting at. I know you miss your grandma and the Fil. I loved too how this expressed a sense of peace. It's nice. You are very talented! And your mine...hahaha. BTW...23. hahaha. Love-Olah89
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ]
  very descriptive, alot of nice vocabulary, I had no problem picturing the scene, I did though feel as though you lost your flow, may just be me, seemed as though this is an abreviated version of a much more interesting story, if you plan on posting another please p.m. me so i can take a look, would hate to miss it in the shuffle, gets kind of overloaded around here at times,
| Posted on 2004-12-11 00:00:00 | by brokenbatman | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the language of this piece. It is so natural yet unique. You are daring with your writing, which I love. "whiffs of hardships shoved her to sleep" That line struck me the most. I wonder if hardships should be hardship. Just a thought. The first line doesn't seem to flow into the second to me, could you explain what you were doing there? I'm a little slow sometimes. I really like this, very nice work.
| Posted on 2004-09-06 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
  coolies it is great detail and imagry but a little hazy at times. i liked it over all it had a nice tone to it and the style though loose served the purpose well enough. oh yeah and um let me think what is the word for it. soothing that is the one it is a soothing peice light and gentle thanks for that one.
| Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by death22881 | [ Reply to This ]
  I see you like the ocean, this is interesting, I defiantly see it is about an event and not a story. It was very beautiful but also had a foreboding quality with lines like "whiffs of hardship shoved her to sleep" but it seems some how fitting. Am I way off? The imagery meshes well with the implied emotion, and sensory description , painting a very in-depth, almost physical picture. So…um…yeah I like this.

Milo stills
| Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
  A pleasant place indeed. You paint a serene picture with this one. I especially liked the part about sighing with her guitar. An interesting wasy to describe how an emotion and a guitar can come together. Good piece.
| Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by fryte | [ Reply to This ]
  this was so very descriptive and took me right there. "...hailing all angels for a dance in the twilight..." love that! and "immune ears would hear none of it..." it's like you just want to remember and bask in the beauty. hardships come in life, eh? but this is really a very beautiful piece of a memory. you write very well, indeed! i look forward to reading more! i've noticed elsdewhere that you love God. right on! He's my homie, too!
| Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



22459