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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: what if I snapped?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bentnotbroken
    ASL Info:    25+/m/middle of nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 351/260/38
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1320
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 705



    Description:
       I'm not too sure about this; it's a work in progress, but I definitely need help w/ a title. I'm not sure where this came from--it just kind of showed up. Anyway, any criticism or comments would be greatly appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswhat if I snapped?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    What if one day I broke,
    just snapped?
    What if the floodgates opened;
    the resivoirs suddenly emptied?
    Would I lay waste to everything important:
    my friends?
    my family?
    It would certainly be liberating,
    but extremely destructive, I think.

    The stress is building,
    the force becoming more extreme.
    So far, the structural integrity is holding,
    but there have been leaks,
    rare outpourings that feel great--
    until the waterworks start.
    Then I just feel empty.
    There's nothiing lieft to hold,
    because it's all been released,
    and there's no way to pull it back in.




    Submitted on 2004-08-30 11:05:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ahhh...yet another good one! I like this one a lot! I can relate to this! Many times when I want to tell someone to just f*ck off, I keep it inside. I try to be the better person if I can, and I don't think it is particularly healthy. I can only do that for so long before I have to let it out, even if it is aimed at the wrong person. Similar to what you have described here as "leaks". Then I feel bad cause I took sh*t out on someone who didn't deserve it, and still don't feel satisfied cause I didn't say it to who is was intended for. Yeah, sometimes things build up soooo much I feel I could snap and just say f*ck everyone! But then I find something to smile about and it all gets buried again...till next time! Anyway, I like this write! I like how you tie the "leaks" in with the outpourings. Good descriptive quality. Makes me think of that guy who stuck his finger in the dam to stop the leak...haha! What was his name? Hey, nice job! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      nice nice. another poem in which these thoughts are hidden in everybodys mind but some are just to scared to say it. i like the frank emotion you put into this one
    | Posted on 2004-11-24 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      emotion...water. i guess thats a good metaphor. as you can see im getting hooked on your writing style. i think overall this piece wasn't as good as what ive read so far but its still pretty good. i liked the originality of your other works. this one seemed-not cliché-but less out-there. but the subject matter is interesting. and its something i understand as well. sometimes you just end up venting everything and it can end up hurting people you really care about. this is good.
    i really hate to nag but it's reservoirs not resivoirs. just so you know (really sorry bout that). in the last line of the first stanza i think you should take out "i think". dont know why but i dont think it fits too well. seems so indecisive as opposed to questioning like the rest of the poem. this is a good piece and i do like it.
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by jonsmithy | [ Reply to This ]
      oh and i meant to add that i think 'just snapped' would be an awesome title and i hope you expand on this thought i'd love to read it finished...ange
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah sounds like your holding something in...and its built up over time that letting out would cause destruction to people around you mentally not physically...my brain is rambling...though it also sounds like maybe your not being yourself and you want to be...and it sounds like your sad because you let eveything out and you dont feel any better...i don't know i'm having issues fully understanding the point your trying to get across though i think your description said that you wern't finished with it...ange
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think that, if you are writing about something real,you should just let go and free yourself.
    damn the torpedoes.there really is no other way to make peace with yourself at the very least.you've thought about it.now just do it.
    | Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like it.. i think maybe u should call it what if? ... its good i like it alot.. keep up the good work. what ever you do dont kill ur self.. b/c u never no what this life will bring you. sure we all have bad days i tend to have them more then others.. write about it. thats what i do. lol. this may not help much but its just a thought. i really like it.. good work
    | Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by natasha | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm I really like this piece. It reminds me of "Good Morning" by the Beatles a bit. Anyway both your stanzas are great, but I dont think your second stanza fits in right after the first. Hmm I didnt word that right. What I'm trying to say is that just from when I read it it felt that they were two sepereate poems pushed together. So maybe some type of transition. I mean I understand what you're getting at, but it just didnt seem to flow. Or maybe I'm just a crazy bat talking nonsense?

    As for titles, I stole a line from Good Morning and thought "Its like a ruin" or "ruin" would fit, but titles a re a tricky beast that only you can ultimatelyu tame.
    -Kayla
    | Posted on 2004-08-30 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]


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