Description: I have a wonderful imagination--these are real people in my mind. They have wonderful stories behind each of them. Let me know what you think--and only constructive comments, please, no "This piece lacks interest"--just stop reading it then. Thank you!
Lost forever -------------------------------------------
He runs to the clearing
hoping to catch her
before she disappears
into the darkness
once again
but he arrives too late
A tear rolls down her cheek
as she watches him
rush into the glade where she hides
searching for her
but she knows she must hide
or all is lost
and she can't go back
She longs for his touch
to feel his skin
pressed against hers
she prays for a single embrace
but knows it will never be
he belongs to another
And the sun sets
as she weeps
for a love
lost forever in the darkness
wow, that made me want to cry. i like the story being told. it makes me really feel for the girl the way this is written. I'd add in some punctuation, but it was very good. It leaves the imagination to create the sceanery.
I can relate to this in an odd way. This is the story of my love life. There is this guy that I ache for but can never get close to without freaking out and saying something mean to puch him far, far away. All I do is run from him. But I too just long for his embrace... Wish for him to finally catch me and hold me. For him to know, even though he never will. ~Alina~
If you're really only looking for strokes, then you'll think you're doing great, submit the poem for publicatioin and get rejected ten times out of ten and hate everyone who failed to point out where you could have improved. So, it didn't lack interest, otherwise I would have stopped reading. One of my pet hates is lack of punctuation though, need I say more on that? I fail to understand how the "again" in the beginning ties in with the "forever lost" at the end. I also think that some sensory imagery would have helped the whole thing along. What did it look like in the glade, was it hot and sultry or cold, what did she feel - no, describe the exact way it made her feel "like acid dissolving her resolve, painfully slow, biting and erosive." (just and example, but you should get the idea that this is not what you meant, and you need to tell us what you did mean if you want us to understand), sounds, smells? Please don't abandon it though, rewrite and let us know so that we can have another look.
Wow. I could see the whole thing happening in my head while I was reading this piece. You've created a beautiful scene, and I can relate coz most of the stuff I write are relatively under the same thing.
I also like the pacing of the piece, you stopped at the right words, or created the rhythm for the poem very well. All in all, a very good piece of work. Great job
Outstanding. Yeah, I think after reading this one, we may have close to the same writing style. This poem, I thought was filled with a lot of imagery. This is probably an odd question, but is "she" someone inparticular outside of the "people" you have running around inside your head?
thats an incredible piece of writing. it hit closer than expected. i'm in love but she has a bf and i have to let go even though i don't want to. but we're really really good friends which makes things sooo hard. yea its very similar. great job.
hey man, this [censored] was cool! i liked it...the rush, the excitement, but then it drops into longing and dissapointment. i liked it. it doesn't lack "interest" it was a good piece of work. -austin-
i like it. in my mind it makes me feel as if she loves someone who feels for her but she knows hes in love with someone and theres nothing she can do to change that. she told him how she feels and ran away. tell me if im wrong. i really love this poem . i have been in this place b4. and it sucks. good piece. keep it up
Submission Name: Lost forever
