un loveable by natasha

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Submission Name: un loveable dots

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Author:	natasha
ASL Info:	15/f/brampton
Elite Ratio:	2.55 - 113/159/52
Words:	112

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	272
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	704

Description:
i wrote this poem about me. i m in a place right ow where i like to guys but one lives to far. and the other is mad that i like someone else. but im still single.. it hurts alot.. please write something that i could do or say .. i dont know what to do im lost.. thank you for reading this

un loveable dots

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She sits and writes to ease her pain,
without this, she has nothing.
All she wants is to love and be loved,
but it wont happen.
loving to people.
falling all over agian.
sits and cries,on those cold, lonely nights.

but every day is just the same.
He yells, she cries in shame,
what is she to do?
She likes another, he's so sweet
with a heart so pure,
but he lives too far to hold her.

she wants to run. and hide.
so scared. so shy.
Undecided and afraid,
she sits and writes.
her loves to far to be reached.
so she'll sit alone and she'll be fine.

Submitted on 2004-08-31 09:51:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  natasha,i think that despite the criticism that you have already received about this poem,you are still showing your bravery by being so willing to share your feelings with the readership on this site even if there are some who can't appreciate it.i hope that you aren't involved in another relationship gone bad.good luck and fare well.
| Posted on 2004-08-31 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
  I think we all must remember that some people writing here are going through these feelings for the first time...It's not always easy to find the most creative words to express them. While I agree with Purple about some of the word choices, I hope you don't get discouraged. By being so young, you have the rest of your life to gain experiences and find new and interesting ways of expressing them...Thanks for having the courage to write ...continuing to write will only make you stronger.
| Posted on 2004-08-31 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, let's start at the beginning. namely, with the first line: "she sits and writes to earse her oain." i'm terribly sorry if i've never heard of the words "earse" and "oain." secondly, EVERY SINGLE POEM ON THIS SITE IS THE SAME! and i'm forced to write the same thing for everyone! so i'm just going to shorten a little for ya, ok? CLICHE CLICHE CLICHE MAKE IT GODDAMN ORIGINAL! understand? oh yes, and if you do nothing else to this poem, please fix the fifth line. please don't tell me that is all one idea? if you really want those precise words (grammatical errors fixed, of course) then here's a suggestion for the whole poem:

She sits and writes to ease her pain,
without this, she has nothing.
All she wants is to love and be loved,
but every day is just the same.
He yells, she cries in shame,
and sits and writes
on those cold, lonely nights.

She likes another, he's so sweet
with a heart so pure,
but he lives too far to hold her.
They talk and she laughes,
her cheeks blushing with joy,
but she's still so unloveable.

She cries, and he yells again,
hut her true love is too far away
to help her now.
Decisions spin through her head.
What can she do?
Run?

Undecided and afraid,
she sits and writes.

Unloveable.

does that look good to you? because it looks a hell of a lot better to me. of course, i embellished it a little, sorry about that. but feel free to take any parts of the poem and make them your own, or don't use any at all, whatever. this is a good start, you can easily expand on this.
~anabel
| Posted on 2004-08-31 00:00:00 | by purple dinosaur | [ Reply to This ]

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