Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Six Chambered Carbon Monoxidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 281
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1133
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1853



    Description:
       Well, not very good, but I just wrote this now and I haven't edited it yet. Tell me what you think!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSix Chambered Carbon Monoxidedots
    -------------------------------------------



    An empty chamber;
    Soon to be filled
    With gun smoke
    And all the crimson reveries
    Of humanity gone awry…

    Or is this just the way we are?

    An invisible trigger
    Made corporeal by the smoke
    That seeps from the very pores of your skin.
    There is sits, unwavering,
    Floating on the heads
    Of a thousand burning aristocrats
    With their democracy so tainted
    And their heads so easily filled
    With nothing more than this empty visage.

    What is the bullet?
    Is it the words of men?

    Nay, the words of men are useless,
    They are forgotten the moment they are uttered
    And are merely weak expressions
    Of an even weaker soul.

    What is the trigger?
    Is it the ones we have killed?

    Nay, the ones who are trampled
    Allow themselves to be;
    They place the blame
    On a world far out of their reach
    And with deceitful tongues
    They draw forth their pity,
    Leeches to the soul.

    What is the smoke?
    Is it the breath we release?

    Yes my friend,
    You have guessed this truth.
    The very wind of our lungs
    Fuels this monstrosity,
    This revolver at our necks.

    What is the gun?

    This slowly burning pistol
    Leaves a shadow on the ground,
    A hazy specter of this weapon
    And it seems to look mortal.

    Can you see your own reflection?
    It’s slightly fading in the smoke.
    Along with ever other man’s.
    It is this pride
    That slowly turns in the chambers,
    A poison waiting to be shot
    Into the throat of this humanity.

    Can anyone find the safety?





    Submitted on 2004-09-01 01:58:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm... i think i like it. but, just a thing that i kind of stumbled over: in the 2nd stanza, you talk about the trigger...then you skip over and talk about a bullet, and finally, in the 6th stanza, you go back to asking about the trigger. perhaps you should keep these stanzas closer together? just a suggestion. overall, i like the abstractness of this piece and how it allows one to understand your point of view, and still insert their own opinions and biases nonetheless. very intense, and i love your vocabulary! amazingly (and i mean AMAZINGLY) you don't seem to have any problems with comma usage in this one, you bum! lol. XOXO dandan
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    22724

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry