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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Ocean Burns Brightlydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Misc/Venting
    Total Views: 655
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1181



    Description:
       bash it, I dont remember why I wrote it....its like 7 months old. I think it was me being bitter about somehting...Im good like that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Ocean Burns Brightlydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Did you see
    the ocean as
    it burned

    The sun indistinguishable
    from the flames
    as it set in the west

    does it bother you
    to know that
    I was trapped beneath

    But I didn't have
    the will to fight
    didn't look
    for a way to escape

    I opened my mouth
    letting water
    fill my lungs

    But you didn't
    see it did you?
    never heard
    my screams
    never noticed
    my restless sleep

    You didn't pay
    attention when
    I explained the nightmares

    Does it bother you
    to know your
    the cause

    Would you even
    care if I
    said I love you

    Your answer would
    probably be no
    your response Silence
    my recourse none

    So let me drown
    in your empty words
    Revel in your thoughtlessness
    dance to the sound
    of your angry screams

    Because I'm going under
    weighed down by
    my foolish hopes
    the silence is beautiful




    Submitted on 2004-09-01 16:56:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      love the ocean, and the whole poem is almost sufficating and the overwhelming loss leaves me breathless once again.

    you take everything and make it beautiful.
    you also tend to get stronger within the last few stanzas...for all so far. this is a hard thing to do.
    well done
    | Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      first of all, why is Johnny P. yelling?

    next, you have little lines that always seem to ggrab my attention or make me just feel and nod my head in knowing, familiarity.
    ...does it bother you
    to know that
    I was trapped beneath...

    the ocean...its so fluxuating. never the same, always moving, affected by mooncycles,...i love anything that involves the ocean. maybe i should try writing one about it...i've had writer's block too, its killing me. you may have noticed i haven't posted in a freakin dog's age.

    but anyhow...what else...Ani says in her song "swim"...
    ...so i hope i never see the ocean again
    pushing and pulling at me as i go deeper and deeper in...
    til i'm so far from my shore, so far from
    what i came here for...
    i let you surround me, i let you drown me, out
    with your din...
    and then i learned how to swim.

    that is what i think you need to do for this one, cuz it does seem bitter, doll! oh, well, we all move on. as does the ocean. love to you~
    april
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      great idea, the ocean burning. i love it, and i can completely see it through your words. one thing, though, the second half of the poem seemed a bit more complete and somewhat stronger than the first half. maybe you could make the first half a bit more powerful. at times, i felt like each stanza was just an incomplete thought. it's an easy thing to switch- all you nee is a transition. it's very good, and has potential to be great.
    | Posted on 2004-09-01 00:00:00 | by NoMoreGoodbyes | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, at any other give time i would have thought that this was good or ok. Right now as of this very moment lots of things are going through my mind and that explained a lot of them. It is because I want to say all of that to other people but I can't. It describes so much and thank you. I think that i am going to read all of your other works and add you to my AIM. Thanks again.
    | Posted on 2004-09-01 00:00:00 | by Teh Green Fish | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This seems to me like you're saying that you are just being weighed down by so much, and all of that is killing you, and you're trying to ask this person for help in so many different ways, but they just don't get it.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-09-01 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a beautiful poem. I liked the title very much, or is it just me? (I'm crazy about ocean)
    Those parts of the poem in vich you are addressing to that other pearson are not very good, they are very close to being pathetic. But last two stanzas are great.
    In general, I loved it.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]


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