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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Those I Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1048



    Description:
       This is a good show of me and my loyalty and my glutton for punishment nature that I will never change. ITs an oldy but perosnally I think its a good one.


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    dotsOf Those I Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Of those I love
    I can say only this
    Your scars
    Would be mine
    Tattooed unto my back

    To show the burden
    Id willingly carry
    Till the end of days
    If you so
    Asked it of me

    My blood
    I would free
    From this mortal shell
    If that could ease your pain

    My words to you
    Are meant
    Not only to
    Soothe you
    But to open your mind

    These arms I will always
    Hold you in if ever
    You should fear the night

    Strong legs I have
    To carry me
    Near or far
    To whomever calls out my name
    To you, for you
    I would run

    These blades of my hands
    Ill use to strike down
    Any demons haunting you
    My word is my bond

    And this is a pledge
    To live and die for you
    Because without you
    I would never
    Have become enlightened
    To that which is so
    Simply called love




    Submitted on 2004-09-01 17:06:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked what you were trying to convey very much, however you've choosen to use a voice that is rather dated...ie your diction speaks of another age...the thing with that age is that the poems has lasted because they well so brilliantly crafted. I think this piece would be better if you spoke in a more contemporary voice and toned some of the I would's down...it comes across as a bit dramatic and most people are just happy with an I love you or some action that helps them out in life...like mowing the lawn...can you see where I'm coming from...it's like if you said that to me I'd be happy of course...but a little taken back by it...like...errrrrrrrrrr...ok dude....just my thoughts...take or toss...lots of potential in this. :
    | Posted on 2004-09-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      the beginning lines are awesome. i like the "i can only say this" part, its so to the point, shows how selfless and...aware you are. your old stuff is very autobiographical, i think...

    sometimes i think this is how my boyfriend feels about me...i know thats probably pretty selfish of me to say, but he acts the way your words describe...like i know hed hurt just so i wouldn't have to...and that, as much as i love him for it, makes me sort of...guilty, you know? like i feel i am not as good a person or something...but anyhow, i know i've felt this way too, about people i love and such. good write, really powerful in a revealing way.~april
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      great piece! i like the short choppy lines and the mix of two ideas into one. really creative. i can understand because i would die for my friends, and i'd rather i take the pain that each of them has to live with. beautiful. i think a reader can get a lot out of something like this.
    | Posted on 2004-09-01 00:00:00 | by NoMoreGoodbyes | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw, this is really nice; it's a really beautiful sentimnt. If only everyone were so selfless. I don't like "blades of my hands" though. It makes me think of Edward Scissorhands.
    | Posted on 2004-09-01 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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