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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In the Orcharddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1497



    Description:
       we had a good relationship...i dunno whether we liked being like strangers to one another and then on-again/off-again enemies...it was a little story i kinda made up based on the way certain relationships work out for me...not love/hate...more like nerve-wracked love/anxious or awkward excitement...and eventually turns to vulnerable need. its a sort of love story...heh heh...my little love tangents are always fun...hope someone gets somethin from it.
    ~april


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn the Orcharddots
    -------------------------------------------


    How you showed up,
    like an itch i couldn't scratch

    *and then it turns into like a
    phantom-cancer, you know,
    one that comes and goes raw
    and terminal but kicks me back
    down to living after a bit of
    debauchery?*

    And i met you in that garden,
    climbing up the cherry tree
    when the kite got twisted all
    in the branches while the air
    bloomed thick and sweet
    Novelties of risk in early summer-
    time meetings
    Even though we'd really first met
    in mid-October the pair we were
    then sat cross-legged up on the
    highest of the boughs, as though
    in soliloquies to one another
    while breathing in the petals of
    creamy whites and pinks...
    people watched and wondered,
    treating me and me treating you
    like that tangle of thread,
    you can see but you can't quite
    break...Neither one will give

    And i began to get antsy, like i
    really wanted to get down yet
    couldn't
    Because i'd stupidly brought
    everything up there not expecting
    to see you
    all there was to do was talk or
    try to get that kite worked out
    and i realized either thing i did
    you'd just be sitting,
    laughing, knowing...
    that any bit of effort you'd extend
    would be needed
    Worshipped
    Essential




    Submitted on 2004-09-02 11:54:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i've come to this poem something like four times to comment and i always get distracted by something else.. i'm at work so that tends to happen a lot...

    anyway.. i love the first two lines.. pulls the reader in instantly. excellent choice.

    i'm not sure what you were trying to achieve with the asteriks.. there are other ways to make a stanza or certain lines stand out... but the asteriks just look a bit odd to me. maybe italics? or just parentheses? cause that stanza is great.. very vivid..

    but at the end of the day.. this reads like a piece of flash fiction with line breaks... i personally think that if you presented it as prose it would be more powerful... have more impact... because it tells an interesting story.. and you could definitely play around with the layout as prose.. just a thought
    | Posted on 2004-09-09 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm… I'm not sure about the last two lines, I dunno if it's overkill… Maybe not. In any case, I really like this, it's got the fraught anxiety / excitement / nervousness zooming around perfectly, and it's really alive. I love your poetry. It's a breath of fresh air in the rafters of my brain. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      Dag hard times. Do you really date these overlord types? Eventually it'll destroy you I think. I think the greateest thing i could do for medicine would be to make nice guys somehow come off as [censored]s, and [censored]s come off as nice guys - or maybe gerbils. Something else.
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]


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