Fabulous! It reminds me of a piece I wrote, “I Could.” Though my piece is about heartache and wanting to “start our story over again,” it parallels love to writing. I really liked that piece of mine, perhaps that is why yours is so good. This is well written and heartfelt. The rhyme is nice, it doesn’t sound forced, though there are a few places where the lines could be changed a bit to help the flow. Suggestions of change:
Line 4 – or press delete and it’ll all be erased
Line 14 – of each time a lover is due
Line 20 – their love covers all sin and wrong
Line 28 – and every night that’s what we’ll read
There were a couple grammatical mistakes; in the first line of the last stanza, you have writte instead of write, “everafter” is actually two words, and in the first stanza you switch from present to past: we can add to what was there… You could change it to “we can add to what is there…” Hopefully, that helps you a bit. Overall, this is a very good write. The repetition works well, and I like how you changed the last line to be a little different as a conclusion, speaking directly to the person you were writing to. Great job!
I hate it when people tell you what to change in your poetry, you write from your heart and sould, not from your mind! So ignore them, I love it just the way it is... and when you find out the answer to your question let me know, because I too have that problem of telling the one i truly care for, scared of hearing that he doesnt feel the same.
Hehe...this is a really cute/nice/<insert string of adjectives> idea. There are some lines that I just love in this piece (To the story in which we take place...of how a man becomes a lover...let us add another chapter to the book that holds our lives)
However, this rhyming-poem bit is tricky (and I have no rhythm, so I always steer away from them : / ) and although you do it admirably, there are lines where the beat is off, or the sentence length throws off the stanza...etc.
I find it helpful to re-read the poem out loud, keeping a natural beat in mind. If a line sounds a bit off, don't ignore it, but try to remedy it. I found that the rhythm was thrown in a few places, such as..
"or press delete and it will all have been erased" perhaps to..";press delete- have it all erased"
"until the morning sun will rise" to..."'til the morning sun doth rise" (or, if you don't like old school ; ) ) "'til the blood-red morning's rise" ...or something : /
The two lines
"let us add another chapter of each and every time a lover is due <- here to be faithful and to be honest until our love is pure and true <- and here"
Are good within themselves, but don't mesh that well together. So there are a few bits like these that can easily be edited with a little snipping and word change. This is a nice romance poem and I look forward to seeing it when revised.
let us add another chapter To this life that you want to establish To become one with me, my life my home Do you want to build what I want to uncover When will you be home...my one...my friend...my lover
let us add another chapter adding it together with no strings attached if you would rather cut this mess and leave me out That is fine, but you know what I am about
Let us add another chapter Full, of life, love, and God And let it be true That our love will never melt Unless you portray it to be like dew on a tree
me adding another chapter to my book Have I completed you? With every craney, with every hook...in every nook?
Submission Name: let us add another chapter
