Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: let us add another chapterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ibelikeso
    ASL Info:    27/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 119/106/24
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1139
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1298



    Description:
        how do you ask someone to be with you and love you as much as you love them?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslet us add another chapterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let us add another chapter
    To the story in which we take place
    we can add to what was there
    or press delete and it will all have been erased

    let us add another chapter
    with no evils to uncover
    it will all be of kind words
    of how a man becomes a lover

    let us add another chapter
    to the book that holds our lives
    we can share it over and over
    until the morning sun will rise

    let us add another chapter
    of each and every time a lover is due
    to be faithful and to be honest
    until our love is pure and true

    let us add another chapter
    of a couple with infinite bonds
    they are more than soulmates
    their love has covered sin and any form of wrong

    let us add another chapter
    of what every soulmate finds
    once their love has been made perfect
    the way we live it in our minds

    let us add another chapter
    of the few things that we need
    to make a happily everafter story
    and thats what every night we will read

    will you writte this chapter with me
    of the story of our lives
    will you be my queen, my princess
    my best friend and my wife?




    Submitted on 2004-09-02 14:16:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Fabulous! It reminds me of a piece I wrote, “I Could.” Though my piece is about heartache and wanting to “start our story over again,” it parallels love to writing. I really liked that piece of mine, perhaps that is why yours is so good. This is well written and heartfelt. The rhyme is nice, it doesn’t sound forced, though there are a few places where the lines could be changed a bit to help the flow. Suggestions of change:

    Line 4 – or press delete and it’ll all be erased

    Line 14 – of each time a lover is due

    Line 20 – their love covers all sin and wrong

    Line 28 – and every night that’s what we’ll read

    There were a couple grammatical mistakes; in the first line of the last stanza, you have writte instead of write, “everafter” is actually two words, and in the first stanza you switch from present to past: we can add to what was there… You could change it to “we can add to what is there…” Hopefully, that helps you a bit. Overall, this is a very good write. The repetition works well, and I like how you changed the last line to be a little different as a conclusion, speaking directly to the person you were writing to. Great job!

    -Cari
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate it when people tell you what to change in your poetry, you write from your heart and sould, not from your mind! So ignore them, I love it just the way it is... and when you find out the answer to your question let me know, because I too have that problem of telling the one i truly care for, scared of hearing that he doesnt feel the same.
    | Posted on 2004-09-03 00:00:00 | by xnever_alonex | [ Reply to This ]
      Hehe...this is a really cute/nice/<insert string of adjectives> idea. There are some lines that I just love in this piece (To the story in which we take place...of how a man becomes a lover...let us add another chapter
    to the book that holds our lives)

    However, this rhyming-poem bit is tricky (and I have no rhythm, so I always steer away from them : / ) and although you do it admirably, there are lines where the beat is off, or the sentence length throws off the stanza...etc.

    I find it helpful to re-read the poem out loud, keeping a natural beat in mind. If a line sounds a bit off, don't ignore it, but try to remedy it. I found that the rhythm was thrown in a few places, such as..

    "or press delete and it will all have been erased" perhaps to..";press delete- have it all erased"

    "until the morning sun will rise" to..."'til the morning sun doth rise" (or, if you don't like old school ; ) ) "'til the blood-red morning's rise" ...or something : /

    The two lines

    "let us add another chapter
    of each and every time a lover is due <- here
    to be faithful and to be honest
    until our love is pure and true <- and here"

    Are good within themselves, but don't mesh that well together. So there are a few bits like these that can easily be edited with a little snipping and word change. This is a nice romance poem and I look forward to seeing it when revised.
    | Posted on 2004-09-03 00:00:00 | by Aimee | [ Reply to This ]
      Response to add another chapter:

    let us add another chapter
    To this life that you want to establish
    To become one with me, my life my home
    Do you want to build what I want to uncover
    When will you be home...my one...my friend...my lover

    let us add another chapter
    adding it together with no strings attached
    if you would rather cut this mess and leave me out
    That is fine, but you know what I am about

    Let us add another chapter
    Full, of life, love, and God
    And let it be true
    That our love will never melt
    Unless you portray it to be like dew on a tree

    me adding another chapter to my book
    Have I completed you?
    With every craney, with every hook...in every nook?
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    22902

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Summer written by layDsayD
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Every..... written by jackz
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Love written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry