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    dots Submission Name: Goodnightdots

    Author: bentnotbroken
    ASL Info:    25+/m/middle of nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 351/260/38
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 2161
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 453

       Don't really know where this came from (seems like how I get a lot of my stuff ) I think I read the last four lines somewhere, but I'm not too sure anymore. Anyway, this probably isn't terribly good, but for what it's worth, it's dedicated to my gf. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Lying together with you in my dreams,
    I turn to you and watch
    Your rhythmic breathing--
    The slow rise and fall of your chest.
    I softly kiss your lips and you awaken.
    Looking into your eyes I lose my breath.
    "I didn't mean to wake you."
    You smile.
    "Okay. . .
    Sleep well,
    Dream peacefully,
    and when you wake in the morning,
    know that I love you."

    Submitted on 2004-09-03 22:26:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Congratulations on the Birth of your baby daughter
    May God Bless her and hold her close
    This write is really beautiful
    Knowing that you just became a father added even more beauty to a beautiful write
    I will be looking for more of your writes
    And Thank You for your recent comments
    Taxes i feel is one of my better posts
    I am really glad you enjoyed it
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like the way this is written. i love the line "lying together with you in my dreams". you did a very nice job. i was a little confused when it though when you say "in my dreams" but are awake for the rest of it, but i still love the poem. if i were your gf i would be very proud of your dedication of it to her. good job!

    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by roxygirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautifully written. My fav. line: "Looking into your eyes I lose my breath". Alot of women would fall for that line:) Your wife is a lucky woman to have a man that is capable of expressing emotions such as this. Congrads on your baby girl. I, also, have a daughter named Ashlyn (not often that I hear it).
    | Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely written! This is truly heartfelt and so romantic! You know you're in love when you are captivated by watching someone sleep! You wrote this in such a way that it touches the reader! "Looking into your eyes I lose my breath" has got to be the best line in this poem! Just beautiful! Great romantic poem! Take care!
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece shows your complete and utter loyalty and sincerity in your love. It's inspiring to those of use that still search for love. She's a lucky woman. And this is a very touching piece.

    Keep up the sweet poetry, you're quite good at it ;)

    *hugs a plenty*
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]
      that is really sweet. A complete 180 from "Laughing in the Rain".

    "Looking into your eyes I lose my breath."

    Now man, that is HOT. (I use "hot" for everything that is sorta out-of-the-ordinary and really awesome, and that's definitely hot!) I think if my boyfriend ever said that to me... wow. This was really cute. I think the dialogue was a little long, with the 2 references to dreams. But hey, if that's how you like it, it doesn't the make the piece bad, that's for sure!

    Now from somewhere totally unexpected and out of no where... after reading the 2 pieces I've commented on now, I realize that you really remind me of an ex-boyfriend. I probably would've married the guy if we hadn't moved so far apart... you're writing has a sort of weird and nostalgic feeling to me, and it makes me think of Eric like crazy. Sorry for the randomness... but i really like the piece.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      Awwww this is amazingly sweet and I must say it is beautiful poem. I do hope you show this to your girlfriend! Ok ok ok now for the commenting...

    Hmm Looking back on this piece I realyl can only see one part that to me doesnt fit slightly. I like this line A LOT:

    Your eyelids flutter as Morpheus pays his visit

    But I just dont think it fits into the poem...or maybe I'm just over critiquing? Either way excellnt piece!
    | Posted on 2004-09-09 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm sounds so peacefull and romantic, im sure nobody would mind waking up to that. Thats very sweet, im sure u make ur girlfriend happy.
    | Posted on 2004-09-03 00:00:00 | by xnever_alonex | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the general idea of this poem, and so wud ur gf, i imagine, i hope my bf writes poems about me! I have a few things to say about it though, i hope you wont be offended...:

    -i sorta thought that you said, lying together in yor dreams, but then your watching her sleep, so aren't you awake?
    -"awaken" in the line doesnt work i dont think, but "wake" is used later on, how about "stir" or "stirr" im not too good at spelling it.
    -near the end you spelt dream incorrectly, you put 'drean'.
    - try to punctuate your piece a little so that you guide your audience in pace and make them read it as you tell them to...

    im sorry if it sounds like i dislike your piece, i like it very much actually, and i think its sweet, you dont have to take all of my advice, im 16 so im not too great anyway...
    | Posted on 2004-09-03 00:00:00 | by outsider | [ Reply to This ]

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