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Broken Pieces

Author: RequiemOfDreams
ASL Info:    20/M/NJ
Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 97 /140 /38
Words: 233
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 1655
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1361


Indented lines are lines that wouldn't stay on the same line as the line above it...

Broken Pieces

Broken into pieces, trying to decide
Feeling high and open and acting kinda shy
Making little movement, sitting all so chill
Wondering what my move will be, sitting very still
Wondering of our lives, and how they've come
    to cross
And how if we had never met, how much we would have loss

Acting kinda quiet, sitting across from you
My mind is broken pieces, with no trace glue
No decision can be made, my mind has just
And broke into many pieces, so I am undecided
Not knowing what to make of it, my mind is
    ballin' wild
I feel so homey and so graceful as a child

Heart is kinda racing, blasting away with
Faster than a racing horse, slowing for no time
    or length
Climbing higher on the charts, my body can't
    stop sweating
And as I sweat I see your face, and now I am

For all the things we could have done... for all
    the joy we could've had
But now my eyes are tired... my life has just

Submitted on 2004-09-04 04:45:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  whoa...I like the concept of your poem though you have to work on your rhyme and rhythm. Describe your emotions more by involving the other senses: the touch, smell and taste. It will make your poem more interesting. Nice start! Keep on writing!
| Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by solitary_cross | [ Reply to This ]
  the ending really surprised me. that was the best part. but i have to say there was a lot of forced rhyming over here. that spoiled the read, and it also altered the structure, i would advise you to use free verse. broken pieces caught my eye. great title.

looking forward to see more of your stuff around. great writing keep it up.

| Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]

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