Description: many thanks to lia (lili) for writting this in the form of a poem. its basicaly the same as before it just flows better this way. its about a strange dream i had last night and how i interpreted it. thanks again to lia and thanks to anyone who coments on this.
Siren of my eye. (revised) -------------------------------------------
You stand effortlessly on my pupil
Brushing your hair,
As you balance on its jagged rocks.
You are wearing your tight red swimsuit
And brushing your long brown hair.
Make no mistakes
You know how good you look.
You are the siren of my eye.
The object of my desire.
You take your position on the edge,
Giving me time to look over your perfect body
As it shines in the evening sun.
You take one last look back then dive.
You cut through the water perfectly
Swimming deep into the salt water ocean
Of my deep blue eyes.
You keep going and finally get into my mind.
You take a breath
Know no you have total control.
You have found my only weakness
And used it as a path into my mind.
You know now I will do anything you say.
Wow I am taken back by this I think its flows beautifully. The pace of the piece is perfect and its imagery amazing. I cant think of anythign I would change! I mean I know the feeling all to well Its kind of scary how this parallels thoughts Ive been having as of late in regards to a female friend. Great write!
Simple and it says so much. It really tells a story of falling in love, or maybe more about eye candy. I really enjoyed your style. I like poems that dont rhyme so that was a plus. You're imagery was just great, I could actually see the girl in my mind..
You cut through the water perfectly Swimming deep into the salt water ocean Of my deep blue eyes. You keep going and finally get into my mind.
ahh I love that part! Great work, def one of my favs.
The one thing I don't like about this poem is the line: "You keep going and finally get into my mind." I think you should get rid of the "finally," I think it throws the rhythm off a bit. Otherwise, this poem is amazing, it's really beautiful! ~anabel
hm. interesting...and simple. i like the whole eye thing. very abstract. but i can see this poem crystal clear...i like the last line...sometimes it feels like guys are really hard to win over...and yet something as simple as physical perfection (based on perception) can win them over...hrm.
i am completely taken away, its beautiful. The illusion of a girl : You cut through the water perfectly Swimming deep into the salt water ocean Of my deep blue eyes. You keep going and finally get into my mind. i love the way you used that, its my favorite line.
maybe im a little late in comenting this poem, but i think now is the perfect time. you showed this to me before, but i dont remember giving a worthy comment. it sounds like a beautiful dream, no wonder you were inspired. this poem has a nice flow, and it's full of imagery, i could almost see this through your eyes. its nicely worded, thanks to the help of lia, to really capture the reader.
i don't really have any suggestions, i looked at some of the comments here, and the one thing that i thought should be fixed, was already stated (purple dinosour's suggestion). anyways, i hope you have a nice evening. ~jessica