Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Siren of my eye. (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nameless_nobody
    ASL Info:    18 in a few days.
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 333/421/67
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1405
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 968



    Description:
       many thanks to lia (lili) for writting this in the form of a poem. its basicaly the same as before it just flows better this way. its about a strange dream i had last night and how i interpreted it. thanks again to lia and thanks to anyone who coments on this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSiren of my eye. (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You stand effortlessly on my pupil
    Brushing your hair,
    As you balance on its jagged rocks.
    You are wearing your tight red swimsuit
    And brushing your long brown hair.

    Make no mistakes
    You know how good you look.
    You are the siren of my eye.
    The object of my desire.

    You take your position on the edge,
    Stretching backwards,
    Giving me time to look over your perfect body
    As it shines in the evening sun.
    You take one last look back then dive.

    You cut through the water perfectly
    Swimming deep into the salt water ocean
    Of my deep blue eyes.
    You keep going and finally get into my mind.

    You take a breath
    Know no you have total control.
    You have found my only weakness
    And used it as a path into my mind.
    You know now I will do anything you say.







    Submitted on 2004-09-04 11:48:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow I am taken back by this I think its flows beautifully. The pace of the piece is perfect and its imagery amazing. I cant think of anythign I would change! I mean I know the feeling all to well Its kind of scary how this parallels thoughts Ive been having as of late in regards to a female friend. Great write!
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Simple and it says so much. It really tells a story of falling in love, or maybe more about eye candy. I really enjoyed your style. I like poems that dont rhyme so that was a plus. You're imagery was just great, I could actually see the girl in my mind..

    You cut through the water perfectly
    Swimming deep into the salt water ocean
    Of my deep blue eyes.
    You keep going and finally get into my mind.

    ahh I love that part! Great work, def one of my favs.
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by Ang | [ Reply to This ]
      The one thing I don't like about this poem is the line:
    "You keep going and finally get into my mind." I think you should get rid of the "finally," I think it throws the rhythm off a bit. Otherwise, this poem is amazing, it's really beautiful!
    ~anabel
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by purple dinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      hm. interesting...and simple. i like the whole eye thing. very abstract. but i can see this poem crystal clear...i like the last line...sometimes it feels like guys are really hard to win over...and yet something as simple as physical perfection (based on perception) can win them over...hrm.
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by graffitijeans | [ Reply to This ]
      i am completely taken away, its beautiful. The illusion of a girl :
    You cut through the water perfectly
    Swimming deep into the salt water ocean
    Of my deep blue eyes.
    You keep going and finally get into my mind.
    i love the way you used that, its my favorite line.
    | Posted on 2004-09-04 00:00:00 | by xnever_alonex | [ Reply to This ]
      maybe im a little late in comenting this poem, but i think now is the perfect time. you showed this to me before, but i dont remember giving a worthy comment. it sounds like a beautiful dream, no wonder you were inspired. this poem has a nice flow, and it's full of imagery, i could almost see this through your eyes. its nicely worded, thanks to the help of lia, to really capture the reader.

    i don't really have any suggestions, i looked at some of the comments here, and the one thing that i thought should be fixed, was already stated (purple dinosour's suggestion). anyways, i hope you have a nice evening.
    ~jessica
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    23120

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry