So Long by SuperEdgar

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Submission Name: So Long dots

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Author:	SuperEdgar
ASL Info:	17/M/
Elite Ratio:	3.02 - 61/65/30
Words:	143

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	364
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	813

Description:
For a girlfriend that moved away

So Long

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Looks like it's time we all say goodbye
If I said I wouldn't miss you, then it was a lie

It seems our days together have come to an end
I wont be able to see you, but its nice to pretend

At least we got memories that we have made
Like the time we held each other in the shade

And for a while everything felt just about right
We'd laugh through morning and into the night

So I ask you not to cry when I leave the scene
I'll come back in fall when a leaf turns green

And now what I know will be what I knew
What looks bright red will soon turn blue

I'll miss your vioce that's so full of grace
I'll miss the smile you left on my face

Submitted on 2004-09-05 01:22:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  speachless. . .
| Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by Raineyes | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, you're just 14? Very impressive… Good job, keep writing… It's sad, but I like the way that it's gentle and doesn't stray too far into angsty melodrama like so much teenage poetry. Becky
| Posted on 2004-09-05 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really good poem, reminds much too much of my situation though. The words are so thoughtful and quantity isn't necessarily everything as you have so brilliantly demonstrationed. I would suggest that some of the rhymes should change because sound wrong, eg. scene and green because leaves aren't green in fall I'm pretty sure, and knew and blue because that stanza doesn't really make sense, so maybe something like:

I thought I told you not to cry anymore
You know I'll see you again for sure.

and

And now what I know will be what I knew
But throughout the present, I'll always have you

Or something, that makes more sense to me anyway. Don't get the wrong idea I like this and think you could improve it. Happy writing, whether you chose to or not.
| Posted on 2004-09-05 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]

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