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    dots Submission Name: The Beauty of Fallingdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 581
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1467

       Ok so I would 45% of this was from a piece I started writing over 2 years ago, that I just had lost the inspiration behind it. Since I just added a decent amount to the piece and revised what was already there I am going to consider this a new piece since it was previously unfinished. Please rip it apart, I think I have somthing here that can be built on.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Beauty of Fallingdots

    Staring through
    The pained glass windows
    Of my sullen eyes

    Could you have seen me
    When bones broke
    Flesh fell

    I became a bird
    Soaring under the pale
    Glow of the moonlight

    Now feathers fall
    From unmended wings
    My voice can no longer carry
    notes I wish to sing

    Maybe you knew me as a man
    But of that life
    The stories I no longer wish to tell

    There was no love in a heart
    Encased within a steel and glass
    Thousand story high shrine

    Could you have seen me
    During the plummet from society’s high
    Decending fast and free
    Into the birth of
    Unchained thought

    Scattering the shells of the former life
    as swift winds flowed
    Under newborn wings

    Gliding over the ocean
    A pool of endless reflections
    Starlight and memories

    With the eyes of a child
    I found the world around me
    Slept to the sound of rivers

    Tangoed with the wind
    Made love in the forests
    Learned how to live

    Now night draws near
    Though this be the last time
    I ever close my eyes
    It shall be with a smile

    I hope that you saw me
    As I fell to my freedom
    One day you’ll understand
    And you will find your own path

    Submitted on 2004-09-07 10:34:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is very sensual, kinda wise thought, experience. I like it, cause it's very vivid, and still a bit mysterious, what is especially exciting about it. It's full of strange, bittersweet happiness, but I love that feeling. So pure, so natural. Nice.
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I'm sorry.. I am apparently incapable of wraping my mind completely around this one. I seem to remember the original 45% too. Or maybe that's some weird illusion of my mind. So my apologies for a lack of anything deep or hypercritical. Basically, some neat images, some weird one's like "society's high" not unpleasant, I'm just...so...tired...
    | Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      hey! somethin new, had to stop in...okay, so you want people to "bash it"; i don't do that, tho...i'll offer you advice and such, but i really don't see it necessary to rip it apart, the idea is so fragile i think it needs to be expressed. just the way you go about it could be *tweaked*... some of its a little like repetitive, or carrying on from the former ideas; i don't think it would hurt it to edit a few lines or rephrase a couple...like one that seemed a bit heavy was
    There was no love in a heart
    Encased within a steel and glass
    Thousand story high shrine...
    i just think it can be reworked a little...if you want i can look at it more closely to, offer more in detail stuff but for right now i can only suggest on whims, ya know...um, what else...this one i absolutely ADORE:
    Tangoed with the wind
    Made love in the forests
    Learned how to live...
    <sigh> that is such good writing right there. quick, painless, and free...best thought is like that...blown in leaves and such abstracted thought...other than that, man, i think its an excellent piece. just needs a little attention. the title drew me in, and it works very well. keep on it, and the writer's block, too...Benedryl. that will make you sleep...its not THAT addictive...trust me, been there done that! latah for now darlin'~april
    | Posted on 2004-09-07 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      the phrazing in this poem is rather fragmented, making it difficult to understand; it also seems, in some way, incomplete.
    I don't exactly know what to think of this poem exept that it's similar to how I talk when I haven't slept for four days, I also don't really know how to fix it.
    | Posted on 2004-09-07 00:00:00 | by whiteshadows | [ Reply to This ]
      pained glass windows....cool...the 2nd to last stanza seems a little clumsy re the 2 be's.......

    I think this is one of the better freeverse poems I've read. I found the story captivating and personal. I thought it could have been about suicide...and actually that's my favorite...not that suicide is a good thing but I like that thought that he flew and lived for a moment the way his spirit had been denied as a man. The other alternative was that he just broke free of the work eat sleep pay taxes work eat sleep pay taxes cycle that chokes so many. If I could figure out how to use favorites I'd make this one...any hints? Great piece.
    | Posted on 2004-09-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this - your words paint beautiful images.
    The image of falling/flying/freedom has always been appealing to me, you've described it vividly. Thanks. ;)
    I got lost on the last two paragraphs when the tense changed, though ; seemed like the story ended abruptly.
    Great stuff!
    | Posted on 2004-09-07 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      The 6th stanza, did you mean to say "A steel and glass" or just steel and glass? I think it's a really creative poem, shying away from the clichés. The way you use the bird to describ yourself is neat. Been done before, but you give it a new twist.
    | Posted on 2004-09-07 00:00:00 | by Jonathan Lennox | [ Reply to This ]

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