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    dots Submission Name: Pretty New Thingsdots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 496


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretty New Thingsdots

    I think that I'll go
    and look for some pretty new things
    to fill the void of beauty you left:
    perhaps a newly bloomed rose
    the color of your pink lips
    or bluebells to match your eyes,
    lilies that rival your blue-white teeth
    or a breeze like your breath in my ear,
    but everything is a shadow,
    for all looks like a faded photograph,
    sounds like a scratchy record,
    feels like a numb limb
    when compared to you.

    Submitted on 2004-09-08 03:02:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I don't really understand the line 'Lillies that rival your blue-white teeth'. blue-white teeth?? but anyway I like this poem. you've expressed the longing very well and your comparisons are great. I like the fact that the end is somehow a climax after the 4 lines before. joey is right it feels like the two poems (you submitted today) go together. but this one here wants him back while the other wanted to get rid of him. I don't know which I like more, they both have something.
    | Posted on 2004-09-08 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      actually, this and making ends part seem to go together. i like this one better. the other has a callous, cold tone, while this one has a longing tone. only suggestion is eliminate 'that' in 1st line-your choice. nice work.

    have you narrowed down what you're going to submit?
    | Posted on 2004-09-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      overall I like this and I can identify with the sentiment.The piece is a bit superfluous though.I mean that I think you could self edit the piece and it would be more powerful.I read it this way

    I think I'll go
    look for some pretty new things
    to fill the void you left

    A rose in bloom
    the color of your lips

    Bluebells for your eyes

    lillies for
    your blue-white teeth

    a breeze for your breath
    in my ear

    everything is a shadow
    a faded photograph
    a scratchy record
    I am numb
    without you

    but thats just my feeble opinion.
    A good read
    | Posted on 2004-09-08 00:00:00 | by honus | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of the phrase, "Nothing compares to you". I like the simplicity of this - very poignant write and also very beautiful.
    | Posted on 2004-09-08 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      the void of beauty you left... theres something about that line that captivates me... maybe its coz one doesnt usually read void and beauty so close together but i do very like it! and the idea of things that should be beautiful and fulfilling so arent coz hes gone... is he coming back or will it always be this way...
    | Posted on 2004-09-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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