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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Her Favorite Toydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: camoflage
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 459/295/71
    Words: 297
    Class/Type: Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
    Total Views: 1250
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1823



    Description:
       Alright, tell me what u think, I'm not finished I plan on making another one telling what really's happening,but this isn't the end!Plese, tell me what you think, it'd be nice to know.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHer Favorite Toydots
    -------------------------------------------


    There once was a girl,
    who hated the world.
    She needed room to breathe,
    Her lack of air caused her not to be able to speak,or see.
    She's lost in this cruel world,
    a world some people call home.
    She stands her ground, eyes shining with emptiness,
    in lonesomeness.
    She's the owner of an empty smile,
    She sits in her kitchen counting the cruel lifeless green tiles.
    Dreaming of a black and crimson world,
    filled with hatred, filled with cold,
    She's tired of trying to fit into the mold.
    The mold that mixes all these happy people together.
    now she dreams of her own little world, imagining she has a hold,
    and trying to make up for the lack of emotions...
    She pretends not to care,
    doesn't give a second glance to their glares.
    She inwardly admits she longs for a world,
    where she isn't quite so cold.
    She imagines she has room to breathe,
    so she can see,
    when she finally saw a glimmer of what she thought was clarity...
    She was at home late one night,
    ready and willing to give up on the fight.
    She looked under her bed to find her favorite toy,
    the toy that brought her, dare I say joy?
    She felt it as it skimmed across her skin,
    ready to give up, ready to give in.
    She finally had the strength to do it,
    he pushed her to the end, that stupid jerk,
    it was his fault she wanted to do it.
    In a single swift movement she slit her wrist...
    using her favorite toy, her knife
    in an attempt to end her life.
    As she watched the crimson flow from her vanes,
    she smiled thinking
    that she had won...
    She never knew it was all in vain.




    Submitted on 2004-09-08 16:12:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this because it is very descriptive but there were a few spelling and punctuation errors that I feel are necessary to point out. I won't name them, but I will post a revised edition. I hope you don't mind. The thing is I saw that there was a part two and I wanted to comment, but I had to have read part one first, now that I have I'll get to understand the other poem as well.

    There once was a girl,
    who hated the world.
    She needed room to breathe,
    Her lack of air caused her not to be able to speak,or see.
    She's lost in this cruel world...
    a world some people call home.
    She stands her ground,eyes shining with emptiness,
    in lonlieness.
    She's the owner of an empty smile,
    She sits in her kitchen counting green tiles...
    Dreaming of a black and crimson world,
    filled with hatred, filled with cold,
    She's tired of trying to fit into the mold...
    The mold that mixes all these happy people together.
    now she dreams of her own little world, imagining she has a hold,
    and trying to make up for the lack of emotions...
    She pretends not to care,
    dosen't give a second glance to their glares.
    She inwardly admits she longs for a world,
    where she isn't quite so cold.
    She imagines she has room to breathe,
    so she can see,
    when she finally saw a glimmer of what she thought was clarity...
    She was at home late one night,
    ready and willing to give up on the fight.
    She looked under her bed to find her favorite toy,
    the toy that brought her, dare I say joy?
    She placed the cold metal on her skin,
    ready to give up, ready to give in.
    She finally had the strength to do it,
    he pushed her to the end, that stupid idjit,
    it was his fault she wanted to do it.
    In a single swift movement she slit her wrist...
    using her favorite toy, her knife,
    in an attempt to end her life.
    As she watched the crimson flow from her vains,
    she smiled thinking in her mind/brain,
    that she had won...
    She never knew it was all in vain.

    I think that the rhyming is a little forced in places for a scheme so subtle. Perhaps you should consider making this a free verse. Also, I know you added the ...'s to make an emphasis on a pause but a period or comma will surely service you better when it comes to looking like a professional. Also, there was a slang word that I think you should use the real form of, but that's just a suggestion. I'm sure you know what I refer to. Sorry if I offended you with this revisation. -Kenji
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
      THats exactly how i used to feel: engrossed with those kind o fthoughts: u really know how to put emotions into words: very emotion yet really depressing that other people have to go through this kind of thing
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by littlecoombs | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    23560

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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