Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

fatal sunbeam


Author: secret moon
Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687 /427 /57
Words: 52
Class/Type: Poetry /Dark
Total Views: 990
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 412



Description:


I wrote this during math class while my teacher was going over the last test *snore*. Anyhoo, this is kinda about a guy I used to like. We had a falling out around Christmas (everything's better now) but while we weren't talking, this is what I felt like sometimes. Tell me what you think - I love feedback!


fatal sunbeam



a drop of intoxication
glistening addiction
yearning
for another sip, another
dip
into this pool of
lethal ecstacy;
exhilirating pain
the warped beauty of death
slowly seeping through
every vein and artery
a shot of venomous pleasure
-a bullet to the brain -
there's no escaping
the sweet poison of your smile




Submitted on 2004-09-09 12:11:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  this one rolls off the tongue for sure.

drugs, poison, passion, longing... a valatile tincture indeed.

i like this. i keep reading it and trying to decide if the extreme juxtapositions are too extreme, or if they are perfect: "glistening, yearning, pleasure" vs. "death, poison, brain bullet". Crazy...
| Posted on 2004-09-17 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]
  It took me a few readings to actually get my mind to work right, and i still don't know what quite to say about it... but i've commented enough on your writing for you to know that that's always a good thing...I like my poetry hard to get...well...when i'm reading it anyways... okay, here i go...i'm gonna wing it this time and just write as a it comes to me

"a drop of intoxication
glistening addiction
yearning
for another sip, another
dip
into this pool of
lethal ecstacy;"


I like that part...don't know why..just do.. very cool.. especially the "lethal ecstasy" part...i kind of feel that if you'd die for just one more "dip in the pool"

"there's no escaping
the sweet poison of your smile"

there's the clencher! it's almost like you're gonna die of sadness if you don't see this dude's smile, but if you do...you're gonna be so overjoyed to have seen it again that you collapse...(I know i'm most likely outrageously off here!)
This is yet another great poem by none other than you! I love your stuff! and you do rock! ~Jeremy~
| Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by J. A. Clark | [ Reply to This ]
  The ending was a surprise...vibrant imagery and a rich sort of theme. This was well worked and darkly romantic
| Posted on 2004-09-09 00:00:00 | by Alias | [ Reply to This ]
  very nice imagery...love the metaphor and my fave part was the first:

a drop of intoxication
glistening addiction
yearning
for another sip, another
dip

very well done
| Posted on 2004-09-09 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow very vivid. I can actually almost feel the pain portrayed thru this poem. "Another dip
into this pool of lethal ecstasy" Great work and imagination. although the pain is very strong and I am glad to hear that the pain is gone.
| Posted on 2004-09-09 00:00:00 | by Kapone | [ Reply to This ]
  wow i felt as if you were watching me shooting heroin (because thats the image the description gave me).. it was very vivid. Then with the bullet shot to the head.. just awesome. And putting all this into a persons smile.. as if their smile is fatal.. was good. I feel like this all the time.. i want to die often because of someone beautiful i've just seen.. dont know if this makes sence sorry im spunning out

BRunoooooooo
| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



23664