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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Working Things Outdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bentnotbroken
    ASL Info:    25+/m/middle of nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 347/257/36
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 478
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1014



    Description:
       This was written a while back and clearly needs some work. Any comments or criticism would be greatly appreciated. Also, I was trying to work some stuff out w/ this poem, hence the title. If you have any suggestions for a new one, let me know. Thanks.
    J


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWorking Things Outdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why do I want you so badly
    when I know I can't have you completely?
    Isn't it pathetic?
    I know you want me--
    or at least you say you do,
    but you want him too,
    though you'd never admit it.
    I feel unsure,
    a little afraid,
    and totally in love.

    Why do I love you?
    What quaility do you have that draws me to you
    like an alcoholic back to the bottle?
    like a moth to the flame?
    What spell have you wrought
    to ensnare my deepest emotions?
    Is there some feature of your visage--
    your smile,
    your eyes--
    that enchants me so?
    or something i can't see?
    I wish I knew.

    Will loving you hurt me?
    Probably.
    I know this,
    but still I contiue.
    Is it so wrong to want to be loved
    unconditionally,
    for who I am,
    and how I make you feel?
    is it that hard to love me
    like I love you?




    Submitted on 2004-09-09 15:45:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem is a portrayal of me on a couple of different levels; I am the girl that is loved and loves two people, not knowing what she wants, and I am the one who loves one certain person who I wish would love me more. And he stumbles betweens feelings of two different girls.
    It's a tough thing; living and love.

    This poem perfectly portrayed the exact feelings I am having. The exact feelings one of the two guys I am torn between is feeling for another.
    I actually cried while I was reading this.

    I can't find any sort of negative criticism for this piece. You presented your feelings perfectly without any unnecessary wavering. You didn't leave the reader with any question as to what you feel and what you were saying.

    Again, beautiful piece and I'm adding this to my list of favorite poems because of how good a model it is for what I'm going through today.
    Keep up the lovely work m'dear.
    ~Ana
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Ana_Mad | [ Reply to This ]
      A great poem that asks a great question
    It shows you truefully Love this person
    And it was well written with a lot of emotion and imagery
    Great Job
    Take Care
    Ron


    Please if you get a chance take a look at my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! This is great stuff! No kidding! I love it! I don't think it needs any work at all. Love is another b*tch! This topic is tough to say the least. The heart is tender and fragile. Some people don't respect that or they just don't care. Either way, loving someone is so risky. You have no control over it ya know? And from what I have learned, you won't learn someone's "true colors" until you tell them you love them. I dunno why. It's like they feel they have "got you" and they can stop pretending. What they don't understand is that the person you fell in love with isn't really who they are and so begins the demise and heartache. I can soooo relate to this poem. It is beautiful! Great stuff! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a great write and just further proved to me that you really have a lot of talent...i could feel what you wrote (if that makes sense)...i think that the only part that needs work is the second stanza, i would change it to something a little like thsi:
    Why do I love you?
    What quaility do you have that draws me to you
    like an alcoholic back to the bottle?
    like a moth to the light...
    (light that is fiery death in disguise...if your going for angry)
    What spell have you wrought
    to ensnare my deepest emotions?
    Is there some feature of your visage
    that enchants me so?
    Is it your smile?
    Your eyes?
    or something i can't see?
    I wish I knew.
    | Posted on 2004-10-15 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good. i can feel the emotion. and i get what you are going through. your poem is very universal..who hasnt had a love that you just cant have but still want? nice write. keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2004-10-16 00:00:00 | by summerskiss | [ Reply to This ]



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