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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Poechick13
    ASL Info:    16/f/IN
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 42/59/22
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 273
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 652



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Stillness, yet the darkness creeping.
    Into my thoughts the moon is seeping.
    Light shone upon the knotted trees.
    Looking for answers you're not seeing.
    Question how you came into being.
    Escapes my mind, no second more.
    Flutter of wings so far above me.
    Shatter of things that lie below thee.
    All this time you've been in the fog.
    A fog so thick, so very consuming-
    Breeds in your thoughts, mind you, now losing.
    Queerness yet growing, exceeding my range.
    Ypur skin is now pallid, eyes bloodshot, red.
    Farewell to you, my gone friend in the bed.




    Submitted on 2004-09-09 19:21:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      I see this as child who questions their birthright, and how to answer that question.
    I guess the key line is "Question how you came into being". I think the last line could be improvedto "all this time you've been" wondering, or some other phrase, but not "in the fog", it just doesn't seem to fit the tone of the poem. I think the second line would be better said, "moonlight into my thoughts is creeping". Theres a great idea here that needs just a little work to bring it all out. Otherwise a good poem, enjoyable to read.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2004-09-17 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]



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