I Miss The Snow by Eah

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: I Miss The Snow dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Eah
ASL Info:	20/F/KY
Elite Ratio:	3.56 - 74/81/22
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	254
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	527

Description:
I don't know if I like this or not, but anyways I was setting around thinking about the "snow" and I figured I would try a bit of poetry with it. I'm not sure what this is called, or even if it's a form of poetry... if not OH WELL! hee hee just let me know what you think!

I Miss The Snow dots

-------------------------------------------

Imagine what the two of us could share,
Magic! The passionate magic in lovers eyes
Illuminating in our own as we
Stare at one another. All we wait for is
Some force, or divine intity, that will bring us
Together, and keep us there. Where we can
Hold onto each other for all of
Eternity. Living as
Soul mates that will allow
Nothing to come between us. A bond so strong
Only one thing is enough to fuse it. The deepest
Wishes of our hearts desire.

Submitted on 2004-09-10 06:55:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hi... you know, i don't know what snow feels, looks like because i am from a tropical country.anyway i think you need some improvemt on details. you could use actions to describe how you feel. don't be too abstract. we need to SEE how you feel/ what you want. improve the title, but if it has a meaning well then, it is up to you. keep striving. good luck!
| Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by malaya | [ Reply to This ]
  I do like this write but I don't see what it has to do with snow. Maybe there's something I'm not getting here? I know there is implied feelings of missing someone and that's it. I think Sandburg has given you all the help you need. lol.
| Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, I also miss the snow, I love to snowshoe, ski, and run on snow packed gravel roads. But I see nothing about that in your poem, so I'm thinking the snow is a metaphor for something. Still I can't pick it out. Your poem is a bit abstract, you use some nice words that aren't very specific, so the lines stay out of focus to the reader. For example:

Imagine what the two of us could share,
Magic!

What did magic mean to you? Intimate chats by a fireplace? Cafe Aulait at a sidewalk cafe?
Or maybe sawing each other in half? See, if you don't give us the specifics of what you meant, all sorts of strange things could happen in the readers mind.

Here is another example:

All we wait for is
Some force, or divine intity(entity), that will bring us
Together, and keep us there. Where we can
Hold onto each other for all of
Eternity.

Here is a glum picture, two of you glued together like Siamese twins. Well, at least here I had a better idea of what you meant than at the magic remark.

I still really have no idea how the title ties in to the poem, but I would suggest you outline exactly what you are trying to say, idea by idea, and then examine your poem, adding what you need to make the points, and removing what is only filler or clutter. Good luck,
Dave
| Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the idea in this one also but grammatically it seems a bit disjointed although I'm not one to speak. It looks like you have all the ingrediants there now you just need to inject some poetic phrasing and passion into this.
| Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.