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    dots Submission Name: always and foreverdots

    Author: brokenmuse
    ASL Info:    26/F/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.29 - 756/734/161
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1001
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 475

       this was supposed to be a sonnet, but the lines came out really short and there is an extra verse. 18 lines instead of fourteen. Oh well, any commentary welcome.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsalways and foreverdots

    touch me in the candlelight
    dancing on the wall
    kiss me on a moonlit night
    and maybe we can fall

    hold my hand
    and walk with me
    and talk with me

    love me gently
    be with me
    smile at me contentedly
    care for me

    brush my hair
    out of my face
    adoringly stare
    and end my chase

    cherish me always
    and love me forever

    Submitted on 2004-09-10 08:19:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      oh this is cool. makes me think of my ex *wipes tear from eye* i like it alot. I like the ending to. I don't think it would have been better as a sonnet. great as is. ummm let me go read it again and see if i can say something besides compliments on the third stanza contendedly doesn't really fit right makes that line hard to read for me but it is still good. i like the first stanza alot. makes me think of a secret affair for some reason. i don't know im weird. any way good write i better leave before i take up the whole page
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      It sounds like something that should be on a Valentine's card or something similar, its very straight forward, has excellent flow and its easy for anyone to read, a great write which I enjoyed reading.
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      very romantic if ya ask me...l have heard of a sonnet before, and well, l forget what it means cause poetry is poetry not what the guild lines read...A beauty of a peace...
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by Vibrant | [ Reply to This ]
      That is so romantic poem... You did very good and I hope you will write more romantic poems.
    I like these lines:
    " touch me in the candlelight
    dancing on the wall
    kiss me on a moonlit night
    and maybe we can fall " They touched my heart so deeply. I know what you feel towards your lover and your poem shows that clearly. Well done.
    Khaled Abdallah.
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, let me say it's great to see you back here...it's been a while.
    The third line of the third stanza is a bit too long for the other lines there. It throws the rythm off.
    Simply written in a straight forward voice, but nicely done.
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the whole thing, but I esp. liked the second and third stanzes where every other line ended in the word "me". .
    You made good use of Rhyming, I found (yes... even though I like rhyming in my own stuff) That it connected this whole poem and that it made it flow a bit better! Good job
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by Eah | [ Reply to This ]
      beautifully done, and listen to the song "always and forever", by heatwave..one of my favorites as is this poem, great job...Bob:)
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]

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